The Anime Awards
by silverwings3
Summary: COMPLETE All your favorite stars have gathered for the First Ever Anime Awards! Hosted by Duo Maxwell and Sage Date! Chaos is sure to follow... (Set in 2001)
1. Part One

Author's Notes: Hey all! This is my first posting of an Anime Crossover (and it hopefully won't be my last). This one's been sitting on the shelves for a bit (I didn't know where to put it till now. *sweatdrop*)  
  
This was written way back during my sophomore year of High School (which was 2000-2001), so the "Awards" reflect what was playing then, not now, on TV. Animes featured include: Ronin Warriors, Gundam Wing, Tenchi, Sailor Moon, Dragonball Z, and others.  
  
I want to give a huge shout-out to my co-writer, Amy, who also goes by Red Pen of DOOM (RPoD for short). Thanks to all your help in and out of editing and writing. Now, on with the show!  
  
The Anime Awards  
  
Everyone anxiously tunes into Cartoon Network as the first ever Anime Awards are about to be broadcast.  
  
From the rafters above the stage. . .  
  
Crystal: Ladies and Gentlemen, your hosts Duo Maxwell and Sage Date!  
  
On the large and very spacious stage. . .  
  
Duo: Hiya peeps! Miss me? I love ya too!  
  
Crowd cheers.  
  
Sage: Hi ladies. Don't fret, Sage's here!  
  
Sage flips hair and the crowd cheers louder. Duo angrily flips his braid over his shoulder.  
  
Duo: Well, at least I'm not wearing a pink shirt.  
  
Sage looks at his shirt in shock.  
  
Sage: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Why pink?  
  
Crystal: I couldn't find a green one.  
  
Sage: Can I have purple?  
  
Crystal: A little late now.  
  
Sage: Please?  
  
Crystal: No, now run the show.  
  
Duo continues to snicker and Sage is fuming.  
  
Duo: The first award is. . . . is . . . is. . . . Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . .  
  
Sage gives Duo an angry glare before continuing.  
  
Sage: The Character That Is There But Really Doesn't Help The Show.  
  
Duo stops laughing and cuts Sage off. Duo: The nominees are  
Kento Rei Fuan  
Hirde Schbeiker  
Mimi  
The People from Pokemon  
Tenchi's Friends from School  
Mei Lin  
Merle  
  
Sage: I hope it's not Kento.  
  
Picks up a purple envelope. Sounds of fighting is heard from the rafters. Sage and Duo look up in wonder.  
  
Amy: Purple? The envelope should be blue! I'm a director here, too!  
  
Crystal: What kind of color is blue? Purple rules!  
  
Amy: You're so selfish, you know that?  
  
Crystal: Fine. I'll make the rest of the envelopes indigo, ok?  
  
Amy: Fine.  
  
Crystal: Fine.  
  
Sage looks at Duo and shrugs.  
  
Duo: I just hope it's not Hirde.  
  
Without warning, Crystal throws a lightning bolt at Duo, who dodges in the nick of time. Laughing it off, he picks up a silver and gold statue. The base is gold, with two gold and silver A's on the top.  
  
Sage: And the winner is. . . .  
  
Sage and Duo: Hirde Schbeiker!  
  
Sage smiles happily and Duo forces a smile, sensing Crystal watching his every move. Hirde walks on stage, a huge smile on her face. She takes the statue from Duo and steps up to the mike.  
  
Hirde: Oh wow! I never thought that I'd actually win this! I have to thank the creators of Gundam Wing for making me the girlfriend of Duo Maxwell, the most loved boy from Gundam Wing so that all the girls out there hate me! Thanks again, and peace!  
Hirde gives both Sage and Duo a kiss and walks toward the exit. She is blasted by giant lightning bolt before running off. Sage and Duo sweatdrop.  
  
Sage: Ahem . . . ok . . . uh, stay tuned for the next award!  
  
Duo: That's right. I wonder who will present what next!  
  
Back in the rafters . . .  
  
Amy: Stay tuned to the Anime Awards. Coming up, more awards, and more stars! This show is sponsored by Hershey's Chocolate . . .  
  
Crystal: Put a smile on your face!  
  
Amy: . . . and Chicken . . .  
  
Crystal: The original white meat!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
From the rafters . . .  
  
Amy: Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present those two unforgettable faces! Your hosts, Sage Date and Duo Maxwell. (To Crystal) Gee, why couldn't Rowen do this again. . . .  
  
Back on stage . . .  
  
Duo: Hi! I love you all!  
  
Duo flips his braid, checks to make sure Crystal isn't looking, and blows a kiss to the audience. Crowd cheers.  
  
Sage: Hello and good evening. What a lovely audience you are!  
  
Crowd sits in silence, then cheers. Duo begins to laugh. . .  
  
Duo: Nice shirt. It's better than last time. I just love how it matches your hair!  
  
Sage looks down at the shirt he had hastily grabbed from his dressing room.  
  
Sage: Huh? Neon yellow? Why do you do this to me?  
  
Crystal and Amy are laughing, up in the rafters.  
  
Amy: Because we can . . . Crystal: And I have a key!  
  
Duo looks up.  
  
Duo: Why are you guys in the rafters?  
  
Amy: None of your business, Braid Boy. Get on with the show!  
  
Sage: Can I please change?  
  
Duo: Why should you? It matches your hair so well . . .  
  
Duo pulls on a piece, causing it to fall out of place. He begins to laugh. Sage is angry.  
  
Sage: What the? Hey, nobody messes with the 'do!  
  
Sage grabs Duo's braid and starts to unravel it. Duo throws a punch and a fight ensues.  
  
Amy: Fine, Sage, go change your shirt.  
  
The fight goes on.  
  
Crystal: Cyclopes, Braid Boy. We're warning you!  
  
They still fight.  
  
Amy: Fine!  
  
Ice pellets slam into Sage and Duo. They stop and Sage runs offstage to return with a green shirt and some Band-Aids.  
  
Sage: Those things hurt!  
  
Duo: We'll go on, just no more pellets!  
  
Amy: Ok . . .  
  
Amy crosses her fingers behind her back as Sage continues.  
  
Sage: Here to present the award tonight are two unforgettable faces . . .  
  
Duo: and very annoying faces . . .  
  
Sage: Here they are, Serena a.k.a. Sailor Moon and . . . and . . .  
  
Duo: Ummm . . .  
  
Sasami yells from the audience.  
  
Sasami: MY MOMMY!!!!  
  
Duo: Right! Sasami's mommy!  
  
Serena comes out waving, stuffing the last bit of food in her mouth, dressed in her Sailor Moon outfit. Sasami's mommy follows, in traditional Jurai clothes.  
  
Amy: I'm going to need an Aspirin! This won't go well!  
  
Back on stage . . .  
  
Serena: Um, hi everybody!  
  
Mommy: I really like your meatball hair and your outfit is sooooooo cute!  
  
Crystal: Oh no. . . .  
  
Serena: Um, food table, I need food . . .  
  
Serena backs up as Sasami's Mommy's eyes get all big and watery. She runs and gives Serena a bone-breaking hug.  
  
Mommy: Oh, Serena!  
  
Serena: Help me . . .  
  
Serena breaks free after a small struggle.  
  
Serena: The nominees are . . .  
  
Amy: Hold it. What award is it, genius?  
  
Mommy: I know! It's the Who the Heck Are You? Award.  
  
Amy: And the nominees are. . . .  
  
Serena: The nominees are  
Amy  
Heero Yuy  
Sai Mouri  
Mihoshi  
Brock  
  
Mommy: Who are these guys?  
  
Serena: The winner will receive an appointment with a special shrink from Moon Mental Hospital and classes in social skills.  
  
Mommy: The winner is . . . BROCK!  
  
Brock walks on stage, in tears.  
  
Brock: I can't believe Heero and Mihoshi lost!  
  
Notices Sasami's Mommy getting the 'eyes' and speeds up.  
  
Brock: I'd like to thank Ash, Misty, the Pokemon, the producers, and all the gorgeous women out there! Does anyone want my number?  
  
Mommy: You're all so cute!  
  
Brock: RUN!!!!!!  
  
Sage, Duo, Serena, and Brock: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
All of them are chased offstage by Sasami's Mommy. Amy looks around before landing on the stage.  
  
Amy: Ok . . . Um, we'll return after these messages!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
From the rafters . . .  
  
Crystal: Welcome back to the Anime Awards!  
  
A girl in scantily clad clothing leaves the stage followed by about one hundred dancers. One the stage is cleared, Sage and Duo enter.  
  
Sage: Thank you, Britney Spears, for that great performance.  
  
Duo: You'd think that Cartoon Network could get someone better, but no.  
  
Sage: Yeah. Totally. Christina's better looking.  
  
Duo: I dunno . . . Watch out!  
Crystal angrily pokes her head over rafters.  
  
Crystal: Die, traitors!  
  
Crystal hurls a massive thunderbolt. Sage and Duo scurry about.  
  
Sage: Our next award is the Suicidal Award!  
  
Sage runs offstage. Duo is hiding under a podium, then pokes his head out when the coast is clear.  
  
Duo: Put your hands together for Sakura!  
  
Sakura walks on stage and is dressed in the outfit from the water card episode.  
  
Sakura: Hiya! I'm Sakura, a Cardcaptor. My partners are Li, Mei Lin, Madison, Kero . . .  
  
A boy stands and shouts from the audience.  
  
Li: Sakura! You're not up there to promote Cardcaptors! Just present already!  
  
Sakura: Right, sorry. Um, in nearly every anime, there is a character that seems to nearly die or get hurt the most. This award, I guess, honors them. The nominees are  
Heero Yuy  
Ryo Sanada  
Piccolo  
Goku  
  
Sakura: And the winner is Ryo Sanada!  
  
Ryo walks on stage in sub armor.  
  
Ryo: Uh, ok? Is this supposed to be a good thing? I mean, dying for your friends is now considered suicidal? The world's a funny place. Anyway, I'd like to thank my enemy Talpa, my girlfriend Mia, and the creators! Peace, dude!  
  
Sage runs back on stage to congratulate Ryo.  
  
Sage: Congrats! Bye, Ryo!  
  
Ryo waves back, then trips down the steps. Everyone is laughing  
  
Duo: Have a nice trip! See ya next fall!  
  
Duo falls on the floor laughing. Crystal: We'll return to the Anime Awards after a few words from our sponsors, Macaroni & Cheese . . .  
  
Amy: I've got the blues!  
  
Crystal: . . . and B102.7  
  
Amy: Baltimore's number one hit music station!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Sage: And now some words of enchantment from Relena Peacecraft.  
  
Very light applause, some people coughing. Relena walks on stage in diplomat clothes  
  
Relena: Oh thank you, especially to the brown haired boy in the front row. Maestro, if you please. Ahem.  
The world is full of hurry and hustle  
I sometimes think that it's passing us by  
Days are like hours, hours like minutes  
I'm caught up in it til I look in your eyes  
And to my surprise – HEY!!  
  
A giant cane yanks Relena off the stage, loud applause from audience.  
  
Duo: That's enough! Thank you, Directors!  
  
Sage: Hi to all of the millions of viewers out there this evening.  
  
Duo: And welcome to the First Annul Anime Awards  
  
Sage: That's my line!  
  
Duo: Live with it! Whatcha gonna do? Pull my hair?  
  
Sage: grrrr. . . . .  
  
Duo: And here to present the awards tonight is that recognizable face . . .  
  
Sage: And my best friend, Rowen Hashiba.  
  
Loud applause as Rowen walks to podium. Loud crash is heard off stage. Amy smiles in embarrassment before jumping back up to the rafters.  
  
Rowen: Hello, hello. Every year, an anime character shows complete smarts and is well, a genius. No, no. I am not the winner, mind you, they're still trying to decipher my genetics back in Tokyo.  
  
Rowen laughs at his joke, but silence fills the audience, who has gotten 'deer in the headlights' look.  
  
Rowen: Ahem, The nominees for the Genius Award are  
Washu  
Clay  
Amy  
Heero Yuy  
  
Rowen: And the winner is Washu!  
  
From her seat.  
  
Washu: Wow, I won.  
  
As Washu walks on stage, two little heads appear on her shoulders.  
  
A: Yeah, Washu, you're the greatest!  
  
B: Oh most honorable Washu!  
  
Washu: Well, your absolutely right! I would sit here and name all the contributors but I don't have the time – gotta invent something, top secret. Oh, and can you call me Little Washu?  
  
Sage: We'll be back in a few moments.  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Sage: Ladies and Gentlemen. We have come to the mini-poll of the evening.  
  
Duo: What mini-poll?  
  
Blue lights fill the area. Sage pretends to be Regis Philman from "Millionaire".  
  
Sage: If you look in front of you, you'll see a control pad. Please vote on for one of the following  
A) Sage is the better looking host  
B) Duo is the better looking host  
C) Both are the best looking hosts  
D) Neither are good looking and I'm insane  
  
Duo: This is not in my contract.  
  
Sage: Vote now.  
"Millionaire" music plays. Crystal sticks head out from rafters.  
  
Crystal: What the hell? What are you doing?  
  
Sage: Pay attention!  
  
Duo: You're in for it now.  
  
Sage: Yeah, right. Armor of Halo, Tao Chi!  
  
Sage's armor appears. Crystal hurls thunderbolt and Sage uses his sword as a lightning rod and is not harmed.  
  
Sage: Told ya.  
  
Crystal begins to whine.  
  
Crystal: You're mean!  
  
Removes her head and runs into a corner, crying. Sage and Duo sweatdrop.  
  
Sage: Anyway, the results show that 2% of you need to check into Moon Mental Hospital. 5% of you can't decide and . . .  
  
Sage stares at the results in shock and is rendered speechless.  
  
Duo: And 90% think I'm better looking! Yeah!  
  
Sage recovers.  
  
Sage: This is sick!  
  
Duo: Ha, wounded your pride, have I?  
  
Sage: Die, Braid Boy!  
  
Duo: Bring it on, Cyclopes!  
  
A huge fight breaks out, eventually rolling offstage. Whole audience sweat drops. Amy jumps from the rafters and lands on the stage.  
  
Amy: Umm, presenting Tenchi Masaki!  
  
Tenchi walks on stage with a weird, embarrassed smile on his face.  
  
Tenchi: Umm. Hi? I'm Tenchi Masaki!  
  
Amy: I said that.  
  
Tenchi: Oh yeah. Right. Anyway, I'm here to present. . .  
  
He squints at cue cards, then backs away from the mike in fear.  
  
Tenchi: What the? No way, I won't do it!  
  
Amy: Yes you will.  
  
Crystal is done crying and jumps on stage to join the fun.  
  
Crystal: You will, or she'll turn you into a Ryo-oki.  
  
Amy: Good idea.  
  
Tenchi: What? How? Impossible.  
  
Crystal: We're fanfic writers!  
  
Amy: And we control your fate!  
  
Amy pulls out a blue pen and writes "Tenchi turns into a Ryo-oki."  
  
Tenchi: Meow! Meow meow meow! (Translation: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL?)  
  
Crystal: See? Now, fix him so that he can announce the award.  
  
Amy: I don't wanna. He's so cute like this and sooooooo adorable.  
  
Crystal: Do it.  
  
Tenchi: Meow? (Translation: Please?)  
  
Amy: Ok, ok.  
  
Amy writes "Tenchi returns to normal."  
  
Tenchi: Thank you, god.  
  
Crystal and Amy: NOW PRESENT THE AWARD OR WE'LL DO IT AGAIN!  
  
Tenchi shrinks back, then nods his head reluctantly. He talks in a depressed monotone voice.  
  
Tenchi: I'm presenting the Most Beautiful Woman in Tenchi and Who I'll Probably End Up Marrying. The nominees are Washu . . .  
  
Washu: Just call me Little Washu, Tenchi!  
  
Tenchi: Ayeka . . .  
  
Ayeka: Tenchi, as a Princess of Jurai's royal family, I order you to PICK ME!  
  
Tenchi: Ryoko . . .  
  
Ryoko: Tenchi, I love you more than Barney here does!  
  
Ayeka: WHAT?  
  
Ryoko: Later.  
  
Tenchi: And Tsunami, a.k.a. Future Sasami.  
  
Sasami: Hi, Tenchi!  
  
Washu: Hmm, If my calculations of the mental intelligence wave function of the two directors are accurate, then I can make a fairly meticulous, informative conjecture as to whom the winner will be.  
  
Ayeka: In English, please?  
  
Washu: I can guess the winner within 99%  
  
Ayeka: Who?  
  
Ryoko: Me, right?  
  
Ayeka: No way. Tenchi loves me, not some dirty space pirate trash like you.  
  
Ryoko: Wow, what dirty words coming from a Jurai American Princess like you, Ayeka.  
  
Ayeka: What did you say?  
  
Ryoko: Die, JAP (JAP: Jurai American Princess)!  
  
Large fight follows with multiple explosions. Washu whistles and the fighting stops.  
  
Washu: Ahem. I predict that the winner will be me, Little Washu.  
  
Ryoko: I don't think so, mom!  
  
Ayeka: As a princess of . . . oh never mind. DIE!!!  
  
Ayeka and Ryoko team up against Washu. Sasami sweat drops and yells to Tenchi.  
  
Sasami: Oh, boy. Glad no one's watching. (To Tenchi) Go ahead, Tenchi!  
  
Tenchi: Oh boy. The winner is . . . Tsunami, a.k.a. future Sasami?  
  
Washu, Ayeka, and Ryoko: WHAT?????????????????????  
  
Sasami turns into Tsunami and starts walking toward the stage. Ayeka and Ryoko attack, only to be blasted back by Tsunami's power.  
  
Tsunami: Thanks a lot. Come on Tenchi.  
  
Tsunami grabs Tenchi's collar and walks offstage.  
  
Tenchi: But . . . but. . . .  
  
Duo and Sage thank Amy and Crystal for doing their job and get back to work. Duo has a black eye and a bloody nose. Sage's visible eye is blackened and his hair is a mess and his lip is cut.  
  
Duo: See ya in a few!  
  
Sage: Bye!  
  
COMMERCIAL 


	2. Part Two

The cameraman sees no one on stage, so he zooms in on Crystal who is banging on a door with a gold chair on it with the word 'AMY' written in black over it. Amy's voice can be heard through the door.  
  
Amy: I never should have joined in on this business . . .  
  
Crystal: Don't say that!  
  
Crystal tries the door, but finds it locked. Suspecting the worst, starts worry.  
  
Amy: But it's all my fault. I'm just too ice happy and because of me, two lives are in grave danger! Crystal: It'll be ok. They will come back.  
  
Amy: But you don't understand. It was five minutes ago. . . .  
  
Five minutes ago . . .  
  
Sage: Hello everyone and we're back.  
  
Duo: How ya doing?  
  
Sage: Well, I guess we should get on with it. Since there's no new news, gee is that a mouthful, except that Amy is scared of us!  
  
Amy: I heard that!  
  
Sage: But you never come down from there! I'm surprised your not a vampire or something.  
  
Amy jumps on stage.  
  
Amy: Don't mess with me!  
  
Duo: Wow, and here she is, Amy Marne! Give her a hand!  
  
Audience cheers. Amy blushes.  
  
Sage: You're not s. . . .  
  
Amy: Not so what?  
  
Duo: Hello, earth to Sage! Ice Powers? Reality check!  
  
Loud scream.  
  
Sage: Shh. I heard someone scream!  
  
Amy: We all heard it.  
  
Suddenly, a giant grey monster thingy blasts through the ceiling. Audience cheers, thinking this is part of the show. Sage powers up and Duo gets his Gundam.  
  
Monster Thingy: Roar!!!!  
  
Sage and Deathscythe thrown around like dolls.  
  
Sage: Ok. Playtime's over. Duo: Stay there and let us take care of this.  
  
Duo and Sage charge the monster thingy.  
  
Amy: NO! LOOK OUT!  
  
Back to the present . . .  
  
Crystal: And then what happened?  
  
Amy: They both instantly fell into this portal thing and then the monster thingy followed them and the portal closed.  
  
Crystal: That's not so bad! How is that your fault?  
  
Amy opens the door a crack, then steps outside.  
  
Amy: I guess you're right. But I don't think it was a monster at all.  
  
Crystal: What?  
  
Amy: It had a weird symbol on its arm. It was a weird geometrical shape with a funky H and a strange M inside.  
  
Crystal: My poor babies . . . er . . . what's that?  
  
Amy: I dunno . . . But I don't think we should do an award right now.  
  
Crystal: Let's go to a commercial . . .  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Crystal: Hiya. We're still on patrol to find our kidnaped guys.  
  
Amy: YOUR kidnaped guys.  
  
Crystal: Whatever. The only clue we have is this symbol.  
  
Both go deep in thought.  
  
Crystal: I got it!  
  
Amy: Who is it?  
  
Crystal: Hey Rowen, can you help us?  
Rowen jogs on stage with Amy shaking her head in shame.  
  
Amy: Nice one.  
  
Rowen: I see . . .  
  
Rowen looks at symbol and thinks.  
  
Rowen: Hmmm . . . I think I have it. Armor of Strata, Tao Inochi! An eye for an eye, I always say.  
  
Monster Thingy That's Not Really A Monster: Roar!!!!!!  
  
Rowen: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Rowen is sucked into a portal. Monster thingy that's not really a monster jumps in after him and disappears. Amy goes slightly mad.  
  
Amy: Now it's personal! DIE!! LET ME AT IT! LET ME AT IT!!  
  
Crystal raises an eyebrow and crosses her arms.  
  
Crystal: And it wasn't before?  
  
Amy: Not really.  
  
Crystal: I'll kill you for that later. Right now, we need help. HEY GOKU, TRUNKS! CAN YOU GIVE US A HAND AND GET UP HERE?  
  
Goku and Trunks trot on stage from their seats.  
  
Goku: Yeah? What's up?  
  
Trunks: Hey.  
  
A man stands up and yells angrily.  
  
Vegeta: Why not me? I'm of Royal Blood and I am ten times better than Kakorrot!  
  
Crystal: I don't trust you.  
  
Vegeta: Ah, but you picked my son. My blood runs through his veins!  
  
Crystal: Yeah . . . but he also has Bulma's brains. Besides, he's soooooooooo cute! Trunks: Oh boy . . .  
  
Amy: Let's go! I need to teach that monster thingy that's not really a monster anymore a lesson for taking my boyfriend!  
  
Crystal: What about mine?  
  
Amy: Who cares. Mine's better.  
  
Crystal: Yeah right!  
  
Cat fight erupts. Goku breaks it up.  
  
Goku: Settle down. Now what can I do to help?  
  
Crystal: We need the help of your Instant Transmition. Concentrate on Sage.  
  
Amy: Rowen!  
  
Crystal: Sage!  
  
Amy: Rowen!  
  
Trunks senses another argument.  
  
Trunks: How about Duo?  
  
Amy and Crystal: FINE!  
  
Goku: Hold on tight.  
  
Goku grabs Amy's hand, who grabs Crystal's, who grabs Trunks' hand, against his will, of course.  
  
Goku: Here we are.  
  
Crystal: Oh boy . . .  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Crystal: Geez, we've been traveling forever!  
  
Trunks: Actually, we've only been traveling for a few seconds.  
  
Goku: I see a light ahead! Amy: We're here!  
  
Goku and Trunks: Where's here?  
  
Amy and Crystal: A mall!  
  
A light fills the area to reveal the world's largest mall.  
  
Goku: A what?  
  
Trunks: Huh?  
  
Amy: I don't get it.  
  
Crystal: It figures. Now it all makes sense!  
  
Amy: Of course! Now, where would they most likely be?  
  
Trunks: They?  
  
Crystal: H and M stand for Mia and Hirde.  
  
Amy: Right, and they have no sense of fashion, so the least likely place they would think for us to look for them would be . . .  
  
Amy and Crystal: Abracombie and Fitch!  
  
Goku: You lost me back at the mall part.  
  
Trunks: I think I hear something!  
  
Goku: I do too!  
  
Amy: It's the guys!  
  
Crystal: Let's go!  
  
Amy: Into the underworld of clothing stores!  
  
They run into A & F to see Rowen in the distance in a skirt.  
  
Amy: NO! That's it!  
  
Crystal: They vanished!  
  
Trunks: I still sense them! They're still here. . . . somewhere. . . .  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Some Guy: Now back to the Anime Awards! Now, here's your hosts . . . Hey? Where are they? Ummm, now put your hands together for the Backstreet Boys!  
  
Back in the mall in the alternate universe . . .  
  
Crystal: Well?  
  
Amy: Where's my Rowey-Pooh?  
  
Crystal: Rowey-Pooh?  
  
Amy: Did I just say that out loud?  
  
Crystal bursts out laughing as everyone nods their heads. Amy gives Crystal the 'look'.  
  
Amy: Dare you laugh? I have some dirt on you!  
  
Crystal stops laughing.  
  
Crystal: Huh?  
  
Amy begins to talk in a high pitched voice.  
  
Amy: Oh, Sagey-Wagey . . .  
  
Crystal's anger is rising. She lunges at Amy. Trunks and Goku ignore the fight.  
  
Trunks: Try again, Goku.  
  
Goku: Argh! I can't sense their power levels. But that's impossible, they have to be in this mall!  
  
Trunks: I know I sensed them for a moment. But then I lost the trace. . . . . I got it, Goku. If there was a large electric disturbance, do you think that could affect the traceability of their power levels?  
  
Goku: I guess.  
  
Goku gets that confused look.  
  
Goku: So, what does that mean?  
  
Trunks: It means that wherever these guys are, is where there are a lot of electronic devices.  
  
Goku: OH!  
  
Goku get's the girls attention. They stop fighting.  
  
Goku: We have an idea of where they are!  
  
Crystal: Really?  
  
Amy: Where?  
  
Trunks: Somewhere where there are a lot of electronic devices.  
  
Crystal whips out a mall of the mall. It opens up to cover the entire walkway.  
  
Crystal: I wonder . . .  
  
Amy: There!  
  
Amy walks over and points at store Z49. It's next to boiler room BR15.  
  
Amy: They're probably in the boiler room under this store. That would explain the disturbance!  
  
All: Let's Go!  
  
They run down the entire length of the mall 26 times, because there's only one flight of stairs to a side per floor. They run down an additional five flights of stairs and burst into a room outside BR15.  
  
Trunks: Whoever designed this mall was insane!  
  
Goku: Are all malls like this?  
  
Suddenly, screams are heard from behind the door.  
  
Duo: NO!!! NOT THAT!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!!  
  
Sage: Please put that down . . . Come on! Stop!  
  
Rowen: NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE A DUMB BLOND!  
  
Mia: Shut up and hold still, you two. I'll be done in a few moments!  
  
Evil laughter escapes the two girls' mouths.  
  
Hirde: Come on Duo, I only want a souvenir!  
Scissors snap meticulously.  
  
Crystal: Time to transform!  
  
Amy: Right!  
  
Crystal: Director 1 Crystal Power!  
  
Amy: Director 2 Crystal Power!  
  
Trunks and Goku: What the?  
  
Amy transforms into Sailor Director 2, in a sailor suit with blue accents. Crystal transforms into Sailor Director 1, in a sailor suit with purple accents.  
  
Crystal: We'll yell if we need help.  
  
Goku: Right.  
  
Sage, Duo, Rowen: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Mia and Hirde laugh evilly, until they are started by voices.  
  
Mia and Hirde: Huh?  
  
Crystal: Stop right there, girls! We're the directors!  
  
Amy: And the show must go on, you fashion rejects!  
  
Crystal: So, in the name of the show . . .  
  
Crystal and Amy: We shall punish you!  
  
Mia: Yeah right! Computer Microwaves!  
  
Black C's fly through the air.  
  
Crystal: Ah!  
  
Amy: Watch it!  
  
Hirde: Evil Girl Syndrome!  
  
Waves of black energy fly through the air.  
  
Crystal: Ah!  
  
Amy: Watch it!  
  
Mia: Now to . . . what?  
  
Hirde: Huh?  
  
Two explosions cause Mia and Hirde to back off. They look up to see two men with gold hair and green eyes.  
  
SSJ2 Trunks: Hold it right there, Hirde and Mia. These Directors are important to the success of the show!  
  
SSJ2 Goku: Right! And so are the hosts. Now, Sailor Director 2!  
  
Amy pulls out a gold megaphone. Imitating Rini . . .  
  
Amy: Please help our show. Director Yelling Megaphone!  
  
Heero appears in the sky and lends Sailor Director 1 his gun. Pegasus music begins to play.  
  
Crystal: Director Firing Shot!  
  
Energy slams into Mia and Hirde.  
  
Mia and Hirde: We don't want to die!  
  
Mia and Hirde break into tiny pieces. Crystal and Amy return to their regular states. Trunks and Goku return to normal and teleport away.  
  
Heero: Hi Duo.  
  
Duo is dressed in a black cocktail dress with loads of makeup on his face.  
  
Duo: Oh Heero, help me out of here! Please, get me down!  
  
Heero pulls out a camera, snaps a picture and puts the camera away.  
  
Heero: Ok.  
  
Duo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
Sage: Hey, Crystal. Get me down, please?  
Sage is in a green cheerleading outfit. His hair is pulled into pigtails and he is wearing a ton of make-up.  
  
Rowen: C'mon Amy! Pu-lease get me down?  
  
Rowen is in a blue mini skirt and tube top. He has a ton of jewelry and make-up on. At his feet is a puddle of blonde dye. Amy looks at Crystal evilly.  
  
Amy: One . . .  
  
Amy whips out a camera.  
  
Crystal: Two . . .  
  
Crystal whips out a camera.  
  
Amy and Crystal: Three!  
  
They snap pictures. Sage is staring blankly ahead and Rowen is in a frenzy.  
  
Sage: You're cruel.  
  
Crystal: I know.  
  
Rowen: NO! NO! NOT FAIR! DESTROY THE PRINTS! DESTROY THE NEGATIVES! I'LL HURT YOU AND KILL YOU TEN TIMES OVER, AMY MARNE! YOU'RE GONNA PAY!!!  
  
Amy: Oh, brother. Time to go home.  
  
Amy snaps her fingers and everyone returns to the stage in their original condition.  
  
COMMERCIAL 


	3. Part Three

From the rafters . . .  
  
Amy: 15 seconds . . . 10 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . and you're on!  
  
Back on stage.  
  
Sage: Miss us?  
  
Flips hair and the girls in the audience swoon.  
  
Duo: Hiya! Promised we'd be back!  
Sage looks backstage, before continuing.  
  
Sage: Oh, and we forgot to introduce the third host!  
  
Duo crosses his arms, muttering something about blackmail.  
  
Sage: Welcome, Rowen Hashiba!  
  
Rowen walks on stage to applause. Meanwhile, up in the control room . .  
  
Crystal: Hey, Heero. Are you finished yet?  
  
Heero: Yeah. You better hurry up and get on stage.  
  
Amy: Right. Thanks for helping us.  
  
Heero: No problem.  
  
Amy and Crystal leave. Heero barely smiles. Back on stage . . .  
  
Rowen: And here to present . . . what?  
  
The stage is pitched into darkness.  
  
Sage: Whoa! What the heck?  
  
Duo: Huh? What's going on?  
  
Spotlight appears on Crystal and Amy, who are walking across the stage.  
  
Crystal: Here's a little present from us to you.  
  
Duo, Sage, and Rowen: Present?  
  
Amy: Enjoy!  
  
The lights flicker on. On the backdrop, the pictures of the guys from earlier are projected. The audience is laughing uncontrollably.  
  
Sage: I can't believe this . . .  
  
Rowen: You promised!  
  
Duo: Where are they?  
  
Voices yell from the rafters.  
  
Crystal: Up here. Enjoying your present? I'm sure the audience likes it!  
  
Amy: Aww, we're just little devils, aren't we?  
  
Crystal and Amy look at each other before cracking up.  
  
Sage: They asked for it.  
  
The guys go offstage, unnoticed. Amy and Crystal stop laughing when they realize the guys are no longer there.  
  
Amy: Where did they go?  
  
Crystal: I dunno . . . wait, listen!  
  
Amy: Jump!  
  
The girls jump down to the stage just before Rowen and Sage can grab them.  
  
Rowen: Dang it!  
  
Sage: How did you know we were creeping up behind you?  
  
Crystal: You were too noisy.  
  
Amy: Where's Duo?  
  
A man with a scream costume walks on stage.  
  
Man: Hey girls. What's your favorite color?  
  
Amy: Blue!  
  
Crystal: Purple!  
  
Man: Wait! That was the wrong question! Um, oh yeah, what's your favorite animal?  
  
Sage: Duo, give it up.  
  
Rowen: Yeah, it's not working. You didn't get the line right.  
  
The man pulls off the mask to reveal Duo. He rips off the rest of the costume. He was wearing his regular clothes underneath. Duo: Blast it!  
  
Some guy from the audience: CAN'T WE JUST ALL GET ALONG?  
  
Crystal: Um, I don't think they're listening to that guy.  
  
Amy: Look out! Run!  
  
Amy and Crystal start running around the stage, followed by Sage, Duo, and Rowen. They keep running in circles.  
  
Rowen: Oh, hair dye isn't that bad, Amy. Trust me on this one!  
  
Each guy has a Super Soaker 500 filled with hair dye. Rowen's has blond. Sage's has brown and Duo's has blue. They're squirting it everywhere.  
  
Duo: Oh, come on, it's not so bad.  
  
Amy: I think we really ticked them off this time!  
  
Crystal: Ya think?  
  
Heero: Goodnight.  
  
All: Huh?  
  
A misty smoke fills the stage. Everyone (except Heero whose wearing a gas mask) falls to the ground, asleep. After the smoke clears, Heero rips off the mask and walks to the podium.  
  
Heero: Mission complete. They're out like a light. The memory erasing gas should have done the trick. Hmmm . . . The award for Best Move. The nominees are  
Sailor Mercury/Sailor Mars - Water Arrow Attack  
Ayeka - Jurai Powers  
Tenchi - Light Hawk Wings  
Sakura - Clow Card Powers  
Ryo Sanada - Flare Up Now  
  
Heero: The winner is Sailor Mercury and Sailor Mars with their water arrow attack.  
  
Heero blasts a hole in the ceiling and uses a rope gun to exit. A man in a tuxedo walks on stage. He pauses, looks at the people on the floor, shrugs, and walks to the podium.  
  
Tuxedo Mask: I'm Darien, a.k.a. Tuxedo Mask. Amy and Raye, otherwise known as Sailor Mercury and Sailor Mars, couldn't be here tonight. Serena got her tongue stuck on the freezer door again and they're helping to remove it. So, I accept this award on their behalf.  
He exits. Cameraman looks at sleeping hosts before signaling for a break.  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Crystal: So, what happened?  
  
Amy: Who knows. Guys, continue.  
  
Amy and Crystal jump back up to the rafters.  
  
Duo: Ok. The next award is presented to someone very special. The Best Supporting Actress. These nominees are girls who affect the plot without being a major character. They are  
Sailor Saturn, Sailor Neptune, Sailor Uranus, and Sailor Pluto  
Lady Kayura  
Bulma  
  
Sage: And the winner is . . . Bulma! No, wait. That's a misprint.  
  
Bulma: What? You mean I walked all the way up here for nothing? Well, I don't think so, buddy! My name is Bulma!  
  
Bulma pushes Sage out of the way.  
  
Bulma: Ahem . . . Oh my gosh? Really? Wow! I'd like to thank Trunks, Goku, Vegeta, Piccolo, Kami . . .  
  
30 minutes later . . .  
  
Bulma: And last, but not least, the dragon!  
  
Bulma leaves the stage and everyone wakes up again.  
  
Sage: As I was saying, Bulma wasn't really the winner.  
  
Screaming heard offstage . . .  
  
Bulma: Hey, you with the braid, give that trophy back to me! Hey? What are you officers doing? I didn't steal anything! He did! Where are you taking me? Hey? Hey!  
  
Duo: Here ya go, Sage. Thought the real winner should get it.  
  
Sage: Thanks Duo. The real winner is Lady Kayura!  
  
Kayura: Wow . . .  
  
Kayura walks on stage.  
  
Kayura: Ok. Umm, stop asking me what age I am. Just use your imaginations. To the warlords, thanks for trying to steal the spotlight every time I was on, so that everyone thought I deserved this! Well, I have to go. See ya!  
  
Amy: Finally.  
  
Crystal: Do you have the feeling we're forgetting something?  
  
Duo: Yeah.  
  
Sage: I know what you mean.  
  
A man walks toward the stage, before flipping up onto it.  
  
Trowa: You should. Heero wiped out your memories.  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Amy: What exactly do you mean, Trowa?  
  
Trowa: Exactly what I said. Heero wiped out your memories.  
  
Duo: You're talking!  
  
Crystal: No, really? Buy why?  
  
Sage: And how do we still know that we're award hosts and directors and all this other stuff?  
  
Washu jumps on stage. Sage, Duo, Crystal, Amy, and Trowa sit in chairs.  
  
Washu: Oh, I am so glad that you asked. You see . . .  
  
Crystal: I remember that she never makes any sense . . .  
  
30 minutes later . . .  
  
Washu: Understand?  
  
Everyone had fallen asleep.  
  
Washu: Ahem!  
  
Everyone jumps awake, falling out of their chairs. Crystal: Couldn't you explain that . . .  
  
Duo: IN ENGLISH????  
  
Washu: He erased the part of your memory that was associated with the incident, which I thought was very funny indeed, to be used as blackmail later.  
  
She looks at Sage, Duo, Amy, and Crystal in this weird way.  
  
Washu: Aww, you were soooooo cute!  
  
Crystal: Cute?  
  
Sage: Really? Er, Trowa?  
  
Trowa: Yes, really. You, Duo, and Rowen were dressed up as girls and pictures were taken of you.  
  
Sage: I think I'm gonna be sick . . .  
  
Duo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
Amy: So what does this have to do with Crystal and me?  
  
Trowa: Come here.  
  
Amy and Crystal slink over to Trowa, who whispers to them.  
  
Trowa: Because you two helped take the pictures and then Heero betrayed your scheme and they found out and nearly dyed your hair before Heero but you guys asleep.  
  
Amy: I can't believe it.  
  
Crystal: Where is he now? Wait until I get my hands on him!  
  
Sage: Violence isn't the answer . . . (to himself) He's gonna pay.  
  
Duo: Look!  
  
Duo points to the sound booth.  
  
Amy: Heeeee-rooooooo! Come down from there this very instant!  
  
Duo: She's mad.  
  
Heero jumps out of the sound booth window. He uses a zip cord to reach the stage. He lands on his feet.  
  
Crystal: One question: Why Heero, why?  
  
Heero: Hmmm . . .  
  
Amy: Don't just stand there, say something?!  
  
Sage: I think he's had enough time. Time to fight. On my mark. 3. . 2. . 1. Go!  
  
Three Gundams and an armor appear on stage. Causing a big hole. One, Deathscythe, is moving around in circles.  
  
Crystal: You really can't maneuver that thing, Duo, can you?  
  
Duo: It's not my fault. The balance device is busted again!  
  
Amy: You were supposed to get that fixed eons ago! You'll bring the whole place down! As for you, Mr. Yuy. I think you have some major explaining to do.  
  
Heero: Thanks for the entrance, Duo.  
  
Heero blasts through the ceiling. The other Gundams follow.  
  
Sage: So much for a pacifist show . . .  
  
He jumps up to help  
  
Amy: Um, well, I guess we'll go to a commercial now . . .  
  
Fighting continues. Explosions are sending fireballs down on the stage.  
  
Crystal: We said, go to a commercial!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Crystal: Welcome back! Umm, our hosts are busy trying to kill Heero, along with Trowa.  
  
Amy: Right, so we'll be hosting for a while.  
  
Loud explosions heard from above.  
  
Sage: Ha! Your Gundam is made of metal, Mr. Yuy. I have the advantage!  
  
Heero: Hmmm. . . .  
  
Sage: Thunder Bolt Cut!  
  
An electrical fireball slams into the Wing Zero, but nothing happens.  
  
Sage: What?  
  
Heero: You fool!  
  
Heero blasts Sage with his buster riffle. Sage slams into a several cars in the parking lot, including a Porsh, a Mercedes, and a certain black limo.  
  
Duo: Blast it.  
  
Trowa: Let's go.  
  
Trowa and Duo attack Heero. All 3 Gundams crash.  
  
Amy: As we were saying . . .  
  
Crystal: Here's the presenter . . . Quatre!  
  
Quatre walks on stage and politely waves to the audience.  
  
Quatre: Hello.  
  
Amy: Hiya. . . .  
  
Amy has little hearts flying about her head and her eyes have gone all big. Crystal grabs Amy's collar and starts dragging her offstage.  
  
Crystal: Yeah, hi . . . Go on.  
  
Quatre: Ok. I'm here to present the Laziest Person Award. The nominees are  
Rowen Hashiba  
Mihoshi  
Relena  
Mimi  
  
Quatre: And the winner is Mihoshi!  
  
In the audience . . .  
  
Mihoshi: Oh, wow! Hey, Kiyone, he called my name! Kiyone: Yeah, I know, Mihoshi.  
  
Kiyone is obviously annoyed. Mihoshi is too stupid to notice.  
  
Mihoshi: Umm. . . . so. . . . what do I do?  
  
Kiyone: YOU GO UP THERE!  
  
Mihoshi looks at Kiyone like she's on drugs or something before starting to walk up.  
  
Mihoshi: Oh, ok. Geez, Kiyone, you don't have to yell. Wow, it's so pretty! Hey, little boy, what's going on up there?  
  
Mihoshi points up. Quatre begins to tell her he's not little, but instead shoves Mihoshi off the stage.  
  
Mihoshi: Owww . . .  
  
Quatre: WE SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING AT ALL!!!!  
  
Trowa's Gundam takes a severe hit.  
  
Quatre: NO, TROWA!!!!!  
  
Quatre's eyes start looking weird and he goes insane.  
  
Quatre: No, Trowa . . . I'm going to get you, Heero!  
  
Quatre gets his Gundam and begins to fight Heero.  
  
Heero: Not again. . . . I'll stop you, Quatre.  
  
Quatre: Not this time!  
  
A large fight follows for a few minutes. Both Gundams crash outside. Trowa pulls open Quatre's hatch.  
  
Trowa: You didn't have to do that, Quatre.  
  
Quatre: Trowa?  
  
Quatre goes normal again.  
  
Quatre: Trowa! Can we watch the show now?  
  
Quatre and Trowa begin to walk back to their seats before a figure blocks their path. It walks out to reveal Relena.  
  
Relena: Wait just a minute.  
  
She runs to Heero's Gundam and rips open the hatch to reveal an injured Heero.  
  
Relena: Lucky for you, he's still alive!  
  
Quatre: Huh? What did I do?  
  
Relena pulls Heero out and Trowa explains to Quatre what he did.  
  
Quatre: But, I . . .  
  
Relena: In Heero's place, I am going to press charges!  
  
Heero is injured and he can only whisper, so no one can hear him.  
  
Heero: No. . . charges. . .  
  
Relena: Quatre, if you would come ever so quietly.  
  
Relena pulls out a small revolver.  
  
Amy: No!  
  
Amy runs between Quatre and Relena.  
  
Amy: Over my dead body.  
  
Crystal: Not again. . . .  
  
Crystal shakes her head as if Amy always does this. She talks in a bored tone, while Amy talks with emotion.  
  
Crystal: Get away from there. You'll get hurt.  
  
Amy: No, this is my choice.  
  
Duo and Sage:(they are oblivious to the fact that Amy does this a lot) NO! LISTEN TO CRYSTAL!  
  
Amy: Too late. I'm listening to my heart.  
  
Relena: Move!  
  
Relena cocks her gun and shoots the ceiling. Amy doesn't move.  
  
Relena: Well, then. I wasn't planning to do this . . .  
  
Relena points her gun at Amy and prepares to shoot . . .  
  
Sai: Wait! Relena, you don't even have a good bloody reason to persecute Quatre. We all saw him do something bad, but for bloody hell, we all do wrong things sometimes.  
  
Relena: Hmmm. . . .  
  
Duo: What the brit said! And besides, you're a sicko-stalker!  
  
Relena points the gun at him  
  
Duo: Never mind, I never said that.  
  
Relena: Ok, that's it. Quatre, come with me.  
  
Amy: Take me instead! I know it will be more interesting for a director to serve time anyway!  
  
Relena: I think something finally clicked in your puny brain. Come on.  
  
She motions with her gun and Amy starts to walk.  
  
Relena: And come to think of it, Crystal, you can come too.  
  
Crystal: WHAT??  
  
Relena: You created Heero's near death situation.  
  
Crystal: You can't make me go.  
  
Relena points gun at her.  
  
Crystal: Ok, I guess you can.  
  
Sage: That's it.  
  
Sage tries to run to Crystal but Sai stops him, shaking his head.  
  
Duo: Why?  
  
Sai: Just watch. Fish and chips, anyone?  
  
Rowen helps Heero up and Relena points the gun at him.  
  
Relena: What do you think you are doing?  
  
Rowen ignores her and gives Heero some medicine.  
  
Rowen: Drink this. It'll give you enough energy to get to the hospital without fainting.  
  
Heero: Thanks.  
  
Relena: Heero, your ok!  
  
Relena drops her gun.  
  
Heero: Of course I am. He saved me.  
  
Heero takes a step forward, but winces in pain.  
  
Rowen: You have to give it a minute.  
  
Relena: Heero, huh?  
  
Heero: Relena . . .  
  
Heero picks up Relena's gun and points it at her.  
  
Heero: You've messed up everything. It's not even their fault. AND I DON'T WANT TO PRESS CHARGES!  
  
Relena: But Heero . . .  
  
Relena backs ups, and runs into Kiyone and Mihoshi.  
  
Kiyone: We'll take it from here, Heero. Mihoshi! Arrest her!  
  
Mihoshi brings a shocked Relena to Kiyone, who handcuffs her and reads her the Miranda rights.  
  
Crystal: Whew . . .  
  
Mihoshi and Kiyone take Relena to prison and Sai takes Heero to the Hospital.  
  
Amy: It's not your fault, Quatre. We all did something . . . Quatre: I guess you're right. I think we should all take a break.  
  
Sage: Yeah. We'll be right back!  
  
Duo: What he said.  
  
Cameraman watches as everyone falls to the ground, asleep, before cutting to a. . .  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Crystal: And we're back. Thank you, Agumon, for that, er, lovely performance. What's next Amy?  
  
There is no reaction from Amy who continues to sit smiling at the audience.  
  
Crystal: Hello?  
  
Still no reaction.  
  
Crystal: Ok then. Duo?  
  
No reaction from Duo who is sitting like Amy. Crystal begins to panic.  
  
Crystal: Ahh? Have they all gone deaf? Sage, please say that you hear me?  
  
No reaction from Sage. Crystal is in hysterics.  
  
Crystal: NOOO!!! Agumon made you all go deaf! I'm all alone!!!  
  
Amy, Sage, and Duo pull out their ear plugs.  
  
Amy, Duo, and Sage: What?  
  
Crystal: Never mind. . . .  
  
Amy: We'll go back to our directing now.  
  
Crystal: Cya.  
  
Crystal and Amy jump back up to the rafters.  
  
Sage: Well, we've sure been through a lot tonight. Our next award is one that we truly love.  
  
Duo: Hey, these things could be even cuter than us!  
  
Duo and Sage look at each other before cracking up. They eventually calm down.  
  
Duo: Right. Now let's hear it for Wufei . . .  
  
Sage: And Kento!  
  
Nothing happens.  
  
Sage: And Kento!!!  
  
Nothing happens.  
  
Sage: Hello?  
  
Amy: Get out of my kitchen, you lousy bums!  
  
Wufei and Kento run on stage.  
  
Wufei: Oh, well I wouldn't want to be in a kitchen that serves a woman anyway!  
  
Kento: Are you reality impaired or what, dude? Girls' cooking is da bomb!  
  
Kento stuffs a large burger in his mouth.  
  
Kento: Now for this award, we'll meet the nominees in the category for Best Animal Sidekick.  
  
Wufei: Let's meet them.  
  
Nothing happens.  
  
Wufei: For Nataku's sake, what the *beep* is going on here?  
  
Kento: Whoa, dude, you were censored!  
  
Wufei: Like I give a *beep*ing *beep* what those *beep*es do?  
  
Crystal jumps down from the rafters.  
  
Crystal: Sorry about this folks!  
  
Wufei begins to shrink and he turns into a Wuffy.  
  
Wuffy: Wuff Wuffy Wuff Wuff! (Translation: Why you *beep*ing *beep*!)  
  
A small boy in a baseball cap runs on stage in an excited manner.  
  
Ash: Oh wow, a Pokemon! I'm gonna catch 'em all! Let's go Pikachu!  
  
Pikachu: Pika! (Translation: Right!)  
  
Wuffy: Wuffy Wuff Wuff (Translation: What the *beep*?)  
  
Ash: Pikachu, Thunder! Pikachu: PI - - - KA - - - CHU!!!!!!  
  
Pikachu zaps Wuffy.  
  
Wuffy: WUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Translation: Ow!)  
  
Wuffy lands in a burnt crisp and Crystal is laughing her head off.  
  
Ash: Finish it off with a tackle attack!  
  
Pikachu chases Wuffy around in circles. Crystal yells at Wuffy as he runs past.  
  
Crystal: Will you . . . stop cursing?  
  
Wuffy: Wuff! Wuffy Wuff Wuff Wuffy! (Translation: Yes, I'll do anything!)  
  
Crystal: Promise?  
  
Wuffy: Wuff! (Translation: Yes!)  
  
Crystal: Ok.  
  
Wuffy turns back into Wufei and Pikachu runs back to Ash, confused.  
  
Ash: Hey, where did it go?  
  
Ash begins to cry. Lowers his head so his hat covers his eyes.  
  
Ash: I lost a Pokemon! Wahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!  
  
Ash returns to his seat.  
  
Kento: Dude. . . . Anyway, each nominee will come on stage as I call their name.  
Pikachu  
White Blaze  
Luna  
Oolong  
Ryo-oki  
Gabumon  
  
Wufei: Now the *be. . . . nice animals will say why they should win (adds quietly) even though it doesn't matter.  
  
Pikachu: Pikachu. Pi pi pikachu. Pika pika pika pikachu. Pi kachu! Pika! (Translation: Because I'm the cutest, see, and I got the best moves, see.) White Blaze: ROOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!! (Translation: I can bite your heads off. Vote for me!)  
  
Luna: Well, I never. I think I should win because I can talk and I'm disciplined and I helped Serena with her fighting.  
  
Oolong: Lot of good that does. I'm a pig that talks without peanut butter. Yeah, take that Babe! And I've helped the Z fighters fight Vegeta, Garlic Jr., the Androids, Cell. . . .  
  
Ryo-oki: Meow, Meow, Meow. . . . . . .(Translation: Yeah right, you fat pinky pig. I've seen the episodes. You are the biggest chicken in the world. Besides, I was created by the genius, little Washu and I can become a spaceship.)  
  
Gabumon: Big deal. I'm a digimon and I can digivolve. Besides, Matt's my partner.  
  
Crystal looks around suspiciously before giving Kento the envelope.  
  
Kento: Dudes and Dudettes, you said the winner was. . .  
  
Wufei: Gabumon!  
  
Gabumon: Yeah, Matt. I won!  
  
Matt: Great job, Gabumon!  
  
In the rafters. . .  
  
Amy: You cheated!  
  
Crystal: Did not!  
  
Amy: Did too!  
  
Crystal: Did not!  
  
Kento: Take a chill pill, babes.  
  
Wufei: Never say the word babe to an angry woman.  
  
Kento: Why?  
  
Crystal: What did you say???  
  
Amy: DIE!!!  
  
Amy and Crystal chase Kento and Wufei.  
  
Kento: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Send me Talpa any day!  
  
Wufei: Why are you chasing me? Where's your sense of Justice?  
  
He steps on White Blaze's tail as he dodges Crystal.  
  
Crystal: Because you curse too much!  
  
White Blaze roars angrily and bites Pikachu, who shocks Oolong.  
  
Oolong: What's wrong with you, you stupid cat?  
  
Oolong hits Luna.  
  
Luna: Why, I never!  
  
Luna scratches Ryo-oki, who decides to shoot Matt who walked up to congratulate Gabumon.  
  
Matt: AH!!!  
  
Gabumon: Matt!  
  
The crest and digivice begin to glow.  
  
Gabumon: Gabumon warp digivolve to Metal Garrurrumon!  
  
Metal Garrurrumon: Metal Wolf Claw!  
  
Metal Garrurrumon attack hits everyone. The hosts and directors walk on stage.  
  
Crystal: What?  
  
Amy: What's the?  
  
Amy pushes Oolong out of her way as Crystal dodges Pikachu's thunderbolt.  
  
Duo: Bad kitty, bad kitty!!!! BAD KITTY!!!!!!  
  
Duo is being chased by White Blaze, covering his butt. White Blaze has a piece of black cloth in his mouth.  
  
Sage: What happened?  
Luna bites his hand.  
  
Sage: OWWWW!!!!!! GET OFF!!! GET OFF!!!!  
  
Ryo-oki transforms into a robot and attacks the audience.  
  
Matt: Metal Garrurrumon, I'm going to use the power of the crest to make everyone friends again!  
  
Matt holds out the crest. Everyone stops fighting as it glows, makes ups, and returns to their seats.  
  
Duo: Cya later!  
  
Sage: Bye!  
  
Crystal: This brought to you by Sunrise, Cloverware. . .  
  
Amy:. . . and Toonami!  
  
Wufei: I'm leaving.  
  
Kento: Dude, where's the buffet? Never mind. I smell food! Bye!  
  
Kento runs offstage.  
  
Wufei: Make sure that a woman didn't eat it!  
  
Wufei sees the looks on Crystal's and Amy's faces.  
  
Wufei: I think I hear Nataku calling. . .  
  
Wufei runs offstage. Crystal and Amy shake their heads.  
  
COMMERCIAL 


	4. Part Four

Duo: Hello, hello. Once again, welcome back to the Anime Awards. Finally, after a bit of problems, we will now be underway again. Toonami is a wonderful thing . . . well, Anime itself i s the best thing in the world. Might I add that . . .  
  
Amy: No, you may not add anything.  
  
Duo looks up to see Amy sitting on the rafters.  
  
Amy: This isn't in the script. We're not paying you to give a life history of anime! You're supposed to smile, say your name, introduce the presenters, etc. Is that so hard? Get on with it or I'll have to use my ice powers.  
  
Duo swallows hard and nods his head.  
  
Duo: Ok . . . um . . . we're your hosts. . . .  
  
Amy: Oh, by the way. Sage, I had to give you a red shirt. The green one kinda got lost in the laundry room.  
  
Sage walks on stage in a red shirt, with his arms crossed.  
  
Sage: This isn't fair. This is a bunch of shit.  
  
Amy: Did I just hear a curse?  
  
Sage shakes his head frantically.  
  
Sage: No, nope. I said shirt. Yep. No cursing here.  
  
Amy: Ok, but I've got my eye on you, Mr. Date.  
  
Duo shrugs and pretends that nothing has happened.  
  
Duo: Welcome back! We're your hosts, Duo Maxwell . . .  
  
Sage: . . . and Sage Date. Here's your presenter Raye . . .  
  
Duo: . . also known as Sailor Mars!  
  
Sage and Duo walk off as Mars walks on. They look behind them as she walks to the podium, before snickering as they walk offstage.  
  
Raye: Hello! Hmm . . . I sense some evil here. But anyway, before I get to the award, I must inform you that due to all of the freaky and exciting events that have occurred, we will do only two more awards before the Best Supporting Actor. I'm here to present the Dumb Blonde Award. And the nominees are  
Mihoshi  
Serena  
  
Mina  
Sage  
  
Raye: That's funny. There's an empty space and one name has been struck out so that I can't read it. Hmm . . . oh well. Anyway, the winner is Mihoshi! Mihoshi: Oh, wow, I won again! Don't worry, Kiyone. I know what to do this time! I want to thank, um, who do I thank again?  
  
Duo: Huh?  
  
Sage: That's Mihoshi for you!  
  
Duo: But it's time for a commercial break!  
  
Sage: And now a word from our . . . what's going on?  
  
Amy jumps onto the stage.  
  
Amy: Hold it! I need Crystal to come here. Now!  
  
Crystal jumps down.  
  
Crystal: What's up?  
  
Duo: What's wrong now?  
  
Amy: Crystal, if you would stand under this spot light. Thank you. Now, why have I brought you here? Hmm, I don't know . . . maybe because you're a big, fat, cheater! Lucky for you, it didn't affect the results.  
  
Crystal: What are you talking about? Just because Rowen was a nominee for the Laziest Character, doesn't mean you can point fingers!  
  
Amy: Oh, it's not about that. It's about this.  
  
Amy throws the nominee card at Crystal. She looks down.  
  
Crystal: How did this happen?  
  
Amy: Don't deny it. I've got it all figured out. You saw that Sage was nominated for the award and you panicked, mainly because Quatre wasn't nominated, though if he was it wouldn't have mattered, so you crossed out his name before Mars picked up the card.  
  
Crystal looks at Amy, before imitating a perfect Mrs. Scarlet.  
  
Crystal: Who are you, Sherlock Holmes?  
  
Amy: Yep. I'm good, aren't I? Now for that commercial.  
  
Amy pulls Crystal to the side as they walk offstage. Amy: Now my advice for you for next time is. . . .  
  
Crystal: Huh?  
  
Amy: Um, no, it's to make sure you don't get caught. Hack into the computer and erase the name.  
  
Amy smiles before jumping up to the rafters.  
  
Crystal: She didn't do what I think she did, did she?  
  
Crystal ponders this as she jumps up after Amy.  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Duo: Ok. Bye Raye.  
  
Sage: Yep, there goes one of the eight reasons I love the show Sailor Moon.  
  
Duo: What are the others?  
  
Sage: Moon, Mercury, Jupiter, Venus, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto.  
  
Duo and Sage high five as they snicker to themselves. Amy jumps down from the rafters.  
  
Amy: Naughty boys need to be taught a lesson.  
  
Duo: Huh?  
  
Sage: Run!  
  
Sage and Duo don't get very far when they are frozen solid. Crystal jumps down.  
  
Crystal: No one punishes my guys except for me!  
  
Amy: Is that so?  
  
Crystal: Yes it is.  
  
Crystal zaps the frozen bodies of Sage and Duo with a lightning bolt. It melts the ice. The two boys run and hide. Amy and Crystal break out in a major cat fight which eventually rolls offstage. Sage sticks his head up from behind the podium.  
  
Sage: Um, ok?  
  
Duo jumps up from the pit in front of the stage.  
  
Duo: Yeah . . . Presenting . . . oh dang, he's not back from the hospital with Heero yet. Well, since Sai is tu amigo, I'll present! I'm presenting the Best Villain Award! Or would that be worst since villains are bad? Oh well. The nominees are  
Vegeta the most powerful sayian prince  
Cell I was perfect, and I will be again  
Mistress 9 where is Saturn, I need more heart crystals  
Talpa I need your souls, die humans, die  
  
Duo: Somebody has written all over the ballot. Oh well. The winner is Vegeta!  
  
Vegeta walks on stage and stands at the podium. He pulls out a pair of thick glasses and puts them on. He then talks in his normal voice, which is very high and squeaky.  
  
Vegeta: Hi! Wow, this is so cool! Who thought I'd actually win? This is soooo funny!  
  
He begins to laugh and ends up snorting before he finishes.  
  
Vegeta: Well, Anyone want to see my bug collection? No takers? Oh well. See ya!  
  
Duo: Ok . . .  
  
Sage: What you said . . .  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Duo: Hi, how are my peeps?  
  
Sage: Yes, hello, and what a lovely crowd!  
  
Duo: Hey Sage!  
  
Sage: Yeah?  
  
Duo: This is one of my favorite awards!  
  
Sage: Yes, finally we will find some proof that I am better than you.  
  
Duo: Oh yeah?  
  
Duo raises his fists and is shifting weight from one foot to another.  
  
Amy: Hey, catch this!  
  
Amy throws a paper airplane that hits Sage in the head. Duo stares at Sage before leaning down to pick it up.  
  
Sage: That's gonna leave a mark!  
  
Duo: It says, 'Due to the discretion of the Anime Corporation, We hear-by proclaim Duo Maxwell, Rowen Hashiba, Quatre Rebarba Winner, Sage Date, and the like ineligible to win tonight's award'. What the?  
  
Sage: That's no–  
  
Amy turns Sage and Duo into ice and removes them from the stage. The audience claps in awe as the figures fly off stage, thinking its magic. Amy walks to the podium.  
  
Amy: Well, I give you Kayura, the Best Supporting Actress.  
  
Kayura: Hello. This is a big award tonight. It reminds me of the time when the warlords. . .  
  
Amy: Um, let me think. NO STORIES!!!  
  
Kayura: Sorry. The nominees for Best Supporting Actor are  
Tenchi's Grandfather  
Kagato  
Wufei  
Mia's Grandfather  
  
Kayura: You sure this isn't the old man award?  
  
Wufei: I am not old, woman!  
  
Kayura: I'll kick your ass if you talk again.  
  
Wufei: Gulp.  
  
Kayura: Anyway, the winner is Yosho, Tenchi's Grandfather!  
  
Yosho: Hmm, how interesting . . . I thank all who helped me get here, they know who they are. But I leave you with this advice: You must cultivate the mind, the spirit, and the soul, but you must always cultivate the soul. Now is the time to crack the future.  
  
Amy: Um, we'll be . . .  
  
Crystal runs on stage, pushing a tied up Kento offstage. He had apparently tried to raid the refrigerator again.  
  
Crystal: Amy!  
  
Amy: What's up?  
  
Crystal: Where's Sage and Duo? Did they take it hard? Did you remember to tell them that they're nominated later for Best Actor?  
  
Amy: No, they freaked out and, um, took off! Rowen and Quatre already know!  
  
Amy smiles devilishly as the lights fad out.  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Crystal storms on stage in a rage. Amy looks innocently at her.  
  
Crystal: You lied to me.  
  
Amy pretends to be clueless.  
  
Amy: What do you mean?  
  
Crystal: I talked to Rowen. He didn't know about his nomination.  
  
Amy: Oh . . . uh . . . um . . . ok. Sorry?  
  
Amy shrugs and smiles. Crystal shakes her head and frowns.  
  
Crystal: And Sage and Duo have been missing.  
  
Amy begins to fidget nervously.  
  
Amy: Oh, really?  
  
Crystal: Do you know where they are?  
  
Amy: No, not really.  
  
Amy hides her crossed fingers. Crystal sighs before smiling.  
  
Crystal: Ok. I didn't want to do this. Audience, does she know?  
  
Audience: YES!!!  
  
Crystal: Really?  
  
Audience: YES!!!  
  
Crystal: Amy?  
  
Amy: Oh, all right.  
  
Sage and Duo's frozen forms float back on the stage. She defrosts them.  
  
Crystal: How many times . . .  
  
Sage: –ot fair! Huh?  
  
Duo: What happened?  
  
Evil Person's Voice: Ahaha. . . .  
  
Duo: What in tarnation was that?  
  
Sage: Tarnation?  
  
Duo: Too many cartoons. . . .  
  
Sage: Ok. . . .  
  
Mihoshi: I know that voice!  
  
Mihoshi runs on stage. Trunks stands up.  
  
Trunks: (thinking) Stupid girl!  
  
Trunks runs after her.  
  
Trunks: (thinking) I've gotta stop her!  
  
Amy: Hey Mihoshi!  
  
Crystal: Trunks, what's up?  
  
Trunks: Nothing much.  
  
Mihoshi: There's an evil person here.  
  
Sage: Who?  
  
Evil Person's Voice: Me! The smartest, bestest, mad scientist in the world! Mihoshi: It can't be! Unless. . . are you Washu?  
  
Evil Person's Voice: No! I'm also the evilest!  
  
Mihoshi: Got me there!  
  
Evil Person's Voice: Now for some fun! Ahaha!!!  
  
The lights flicker off, followed by a blinding flash, and then the lights flicker on.  
  
Duo: Ok. This is my show and no one does anything without my permission.  
  
Trunks: This is my show, too, ya know.  
  
Mihoshi: What am I, chopped liver?  
  
Amy: Yeah, what he said!  
  
Crystal: Something isn't right.  
  
Sage: Yeah!  
  
Everyone realizes what happened.  
  
All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Duo: Get out of my body, Duo!  
  
Amy: When you get out of mine, Amy!  
  
Mihoshi: My hair! Wahhhhhhh!!! I hate this!  
  
Sage: You think I like seeing out of one eye, Sage? I think I should cut it off. . .  
  
Mihoshi: YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING TO MY HAIR!!!!!  
  
Sage: Sheesh, take a chill pill.  
  
Trunks: This is kinda cool.  
  
Crystal looks at herself.  
  
Crystal: Look who's talking. I'll never be normal again!  
  
Trunks: Shut it, Trunks.  
  
Crystal: Sorry.  
  
Up inside a spaceship floating above the studio. . .  
  
Evil Person: Ahh ha ha ha!! Poor Sage, Duo, Crystal, Amy, Trunks, and Mihoshi. See if you like it Mihoshi! Taking all the glory! Oh well, I guess I'll enjoy the show! Bwahh ha ha!!!  
  
COMMERCIAL 


	5. Part Five

Duo: Well, it looks like we're stuck like this for a while.  
  
Amy shakes her head and groans.  
  
Trunks: I heard that! sheesh, you'd think it only happened to him.  
  
Crystal: Yeah, but this is so embarrassing!  
  
Mihoshi: Ugh, my hair! It's feels so brittle and it needs conditioner and styling gel and . . . and. . . what?  
  
Everyone stares at Mihoshi and sighs.  
  
Sage: It's ok. We'll probably wake up any minute now. It's so funny, we're all mix-matched.  
  
Sage begins to laugh out loud.  
  
Mihoshi: I sound . . . so. . . . blond.  
  
Trunks: I know. It's so scary to see you and hear you act so stupid. . .  
  
Amy: She doesn't get it, does she?  
  
Trunks: Never will.  
  
Duo: This is so confusing!  
  
Crystal: Yeah, who's who? I'm Trunks and everyone else has long hair.  
  
Duo: Such an intelligent answer . . .  
  
Sage: I'm Sage!  
  
Mihoshi: I am! We switched bodies, remember?  
  
Sage: Um, sure. . .  
  
Sage gets that 'deer in the headlight look'.  
  
Sage: But we're–  
  
Amy: Enough! It doesn't matter how, just who and why!  
  
Duo: Good point, Duo. I guess that hair gel hasn't leaked into your brain yet.  
  
Amy: Hey . . .  
  
Duo: Mihoshi, you said the voice sounded familiar. Who was it?  
  
Sage: Um, I don't . . . oh yeah! It sounded like my first grade teacher!  
  
Everyone sweatdrop and hangs their heads.  
  
Crystal: Oh brother.  
  
Amy: We're gonna be stuck like this forever!!!!  
  
Duo begins to smile a very large, happy, grin.  
  
Trunks: In the meantime . . . um, Amy, why are you smiling like that?  
  
Duo: One word: Gundam.  
  
Others: Huh?  
  
Duo: Like I said, Gundam.  
  
Amy: Huh? I don't g– wait just a second here, you can't use my Gundam! It's mine, mine, MINE!!!  
  
Trunks: Technically, she can. She acquired your possessions along with your body.  
  
Duo: Right. You get to enjoy my director 2 powers!  
  
Amy: Ha! Screw that! I get to see where you girls live now! He he. . .  
  
Duo: No, that's not fair. . . never mind.  
  
Trunks: And you get my powers.  
  
Crystal: Woopty-do.  
  
Trunks raises an eyebrow but chooses to ignore that comment.  
  
Trunks: Anyway, I can fly! I get to be Peter Pan!  
  
Sage: What do I get? Huh? What do I get!?!  
  
Mihoshi shakes her head and says in a monotone voice.  
  
Mihoshi: You get to use my Halo armor.  
  
She gets very sarcastic.  
  
Mihoshi: And guess what, everybody! I got the best power of all. . . a gun. . . a lousy gun. . .  
  
Amy: Don't look at it like that! I have to wear a skirt.  
  
Duo: I say, let's try out our stuff!  
  
Sage: Cool. . . I think. . .  
  
Sage precedes to call his armor. But somehow it works– sort of. It's upside-down.  
  
Sage: Is it supposed to look like this?  
  
Trunks: Does anyone have a can opener?  
  
Mihoshi: I'm shocked she got the words right.  
  
Amy and Crystal power up, only to be wearing their costumes backwards.  
  
Duo: This seems to get better and better every minute.  
  
Duo presses a large red button on a control he found in his back pocket. The Gundam Deathscythe appears on stage.  
  
Duo: Crystal, it's your turn!  
  
Trunks: Time to fly! I can fly! I can fly!  
  
Trunks raises ten feet into the air and levitates there.  
  
Trunks: This is easy.  
  
Trunks does a flip and begins to climb higher and higher. He begins to relax when suddenly, he starts to rocket to the ground. He hits the stage with a loud thud.  
  
Trunks: I'm ok. . . really. . . just need some ice. . . ok. . .  
  
Crystal: That's gonna leave a mark.  
  
Duo jumps into the Gundam.  
  
Duo: I'm starting up the Gundam now! Wow, hey, you can't even feel the vibrations! Hey, Duo, what does this button do?  
  
He points to the red square button surrounded by the yellow and black tape. He pushes the button.  
  
Amy: Huh?  
  
Machine: The self-destruct system has been activated. 10 seconds to detonation.  
  
Duo: What!?! Duo! Help me!  
  
Amy: Press the black button!  
  
Duo: They're all black! Shoot, only five seconds left!  
4 - What am I going to do?  
3 - Think!!!  
2 - God save me!  
1- What the heck!  
  
Duo quickly presses several buttons.  
  
Machine: Sequence aborted.  
  
Duo: Thank you god!  
  
The Gundam, now fried, chucks Duo out the hatch.  
  
Duo: I'm ok.  
  
Amy: What did you do?  
  
Amy is frantically pointing at the Gundam, which has taken on a life of its own. Duo: Huh?  
  
Sage: Wow, that is so cool! That is such a neat trick!  
  
Crystal: It has a mind of its own!  
  
Mihoshi: I'll shoot it!  
  
Amy: Don't even try. That gun of yours won't even damage it.  
  
Trunks: Forget it! Come on.  
  
Duo: What another lovely day. Let's think of someway to fix this.  
  
Crystal: It's only your fault.  
  
Duo: It can't be programed to do this!  
  
Amy: I bet that evil person is behind this!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Crystal: This stinks. This is worse. . . no wait. . . if my father knew. . .  
  
Trunks: Yeah?  
  
Crystal begins to cry.  
  
Crystal: WAH!!! I want my body back!  
  
Lightning bolts start firing everywhere.  
  
Trunks: Watch where you aim those things!  
  
Trunks flies into the air to dodge a bolt, wacks head on ceiling.  
  
Trunks: Oww. . . .  
  
Duo: What to do. . . . what to do. . .  
  
Amy: Have fun!  
  
Duo: No, HELP ME!!!  
  
Duo begins to whimper.  
  
Amy: Ok, ok. Stop whimpering, I look pathetic. Put this on.  
  
Amy places a headset on her head and throws one to Duo.  
  
Amy: Get in and I'll direct you from there.  
  
Duo: Good idea. Only. . .  
  
Amy: Only what?  
  
Duo: HOW DO I GET IN THERE???  
  
Sage: Ok. So what do I do now?  
  
Sage's hands are in the position he needs to call his armor.  
  
Mihoshi: Repeat after me. Tao Chi!  
  
Sage: Ok. Down Cheese! No, that's not right. Monkey's knees! No. . .  
Sage keeps rambling on and on, not getting it right. Mihoshi sighs.  
  
Mihoshi: Why me?  
  
Meanwhile, on the ship floating above the studio. . .  
  
Evil Person: Ok. Now, on to plan B.  
  
Evil Person presses several button. An angry blonde appears on the ship.  
  
Relena:. . . . lots of money! I'll sue your butts dry! Oh, hello.  
  
Evil Person: Hello, Relena.  
  
Relena: What is going on? This is kidnaping!  
  
Evil Person's eye starts to twitch.  
  
Evil Person: I just got you out of jail, genius.  
  
Relena: You do have a point.  
  
She sees the monitor.  
  
Relena: What's going on?  
  
Evil Person: I switched their bodies.  
  
Relena: Looks like fun. But why me?  
  
Evil Person: They put you in jail, remember? Revenge?  
  
Relena: Perfect. But, there's a catch?  
  
Evil Person: Brilliant. Yes. I must never be named. Now, do we have an agreement?  
  
Relena: Sure. But what will happen if I do slip your name out?  
  
Evil Person: I will then get this handy-dandy machine and switch your body with a toad.  
  
Back on stage. . .  
  
Crystal: You know, this reminds me of the time Goku told me about when Captain Ginyu and him traded bodies, switched back, then. . .  
  
Trunks: I know! Just leave me alone!  
  
Trunks is sitting on the ground, rubbing several bumps gently on his head.  
  
Duo: Yes! Thank the – oh, who cares! I made it!  
  
Duo is severely bruised. Amy's voice is heard over a static channel.  
  
Amy: Now, do exactly what I tell you to do, ok?  
  
Sage: Cottage Cheese? Umm . . . Down Under? No, Down Cheese? Oh yeah! Tao Chi!  
  
Sage's armor appears.  
  
Sage: Yeah!  
  
Sage tries to pick up the sword, but can't lift it.  
  
Sage: It's too heavy.  
  
Mihoshi: What did I do to deserve this!?!  
  
Back on the ship. . .  
  
Relena: Let's go visit!  
  
Evil Person: Remember the plan.  
  
Relena: Fine.  
  
Back on stage. . .  
  
Crystal: I'm a girl. . . . I'm a girl . . . . I'm a girl. . .  
  
Crystal keeps rocking back and forth while chanting "I'm a girl". Trunks is flying about, singing.  
  
Trunks: I can fly! I can fly! I can –  
  
Trunks hits the ceiling again.  
  
Trunks: Oww. . . .  
  
Duo: Yes! Did it work? Did it work?  
  
Amy stares at the still moving Gundam and gives a heavy sigh.  
  
Amy: No. . . .  
  
Mihoshi: Now, say Thunder Bolt Cut!  
  
Sage: Ok. Thunder Halter Top! No. . . Blunder Girl Hunt! No. . .  
  
One hour later. . . Mihoshi is banging her head against the wall with each word she says.  
  
Mihoshi: Life officially sucks.  
  
Sage: OH YEAH! Thunder Bolt Cut!  
  
The blast hits the Gundam, causing it to short circuit and stop moving. Sage falls on his butt and starts to cry. Mihoshi feels her anger getting the better of herself.  
  
Mihoshi: THERE'S NO CRYING IN ARMOR!!!  
  
Sage: Sorry.  
  
Amy: Yes! Thank you Sage! Er. . . Mihoshi! Er. . . Green Guy!  
  
Duo: All done? Phew!  
  
An evil laugh is heard as a person appears on stage.  
  
Relena: Like my game?  
  
All: RELENA????  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Duo: What are you doing here?  
  
Trunks: How the heck did they let you out of jail.  
  
Relena: That's not important. What matters is what I can do to help.  
  
Amy: Huh?  
  
Relena: I have here the reverse device of your little problem. But if you don't trust me, I guess I'll just leave . . .  
  
Relena starts to walk away. Mihoshi: Do we trust her?  
  
Crystal: Does anyone have a better idea?  
  
Sage: Yep. We're all funnier as it is!  
  
Duo: Wait, Relena. OK. You can help us.  
  
Relena: Ok. Now stand back to back with the person who has your body. Good.  
  
The lights dim and there are several flashes as Relena presses the button on the device. When the lights come on, Amy, Crystal, and Mihoshi are gone.  
  
Duo: Where's Duo?  
  
Relena: Hahaha, you fell for it! I never meant to help you guys. Instead, the other three were transported to other dimensions and without them, you're helpless!  
  
Relena disappears.  
  
Duo: Great. Oh we will so enjoy this.  
  
Sage: We will?  
  
Trunks: Well, this is gonna be another long adventure.  
  
Sage: Oh, I love adventures. Once –  
  
Duo slaps him.  
  
Duo: Sorry, I don't know what came over me. I really wish I could hurt her, but she's stuck in Sage's body. You won't let me, will you?  
  
Trunks: Nope. I see why Kiyone hates her so much. Now what?  
  
Duo: I guess we should go to a commercial break.  
  
Nothing happens.  
  
Duo: A commercial break!  
  
Cameraman: Umm, sorry Duo. But only Crystal and Amy can signal a commercial break and they're not here.  
  
Duo: But I am Amy. Cameraman: No, your Duo.  
  
Duo: Amy.  
  
Cameraman: Duo.  
  
Duo: Amy!  
  
Cameraman: Duo!  
  
Duo: AMY!!!  
  
Cameraman: DUO!!!  
  
Trunks: HELLO!! Let's stay on track, here.  
  
Cameraman: I think you've been under the lights too long, Duo.  
  
Trunks: Geez, where have you been?  
  
Cameraman: On my coffee break, why?  
  
Trunks: Look, just go to a commercial break or I'll rip your head off!  
  
Cameraman: Ok, ok. No need to get feisty.  
  
COMMERCIAL 


	6. Part Six

Trunks: This just stinks.  
  
Sage: I don't smell anything.  
  
Duo: Could you just shut-up?  
  
Sage: Hey, where did everybody go?  
  
Duo: I can't deal with this!!!  
  
Trunks: We need to find them. But how, who, and where?  
  
Sage: STOP IT! You're confusing me!  
  
Duo: I dunno. But let's get you . . . er . . . Trunks back first.  
  
Trunks: Why? Sage: I wanna go first!  
  
Sage begins to whine.  
  
Trunks: Deal with it.  
  
A light bulb appears above his head. It then shines brightly.  
  
Trunks: Got it. Time to call on a trusty friend.  
  
Duo: Friend?  
  
Sage: Wow, does this friend have a comb? I really need to brush this hair . . .  
  
Trunks: Watch.  
  
Trunks clears his throat and lowers voice.  
  
Trunks: Hey, Goku!  
  
Goku: Yes?  
  
Trunks: The girls have been kidnaped!  
  
Goku: But I thought the girls were guys.  
  
Trunks returns voice to normal.  
  
Trunks: Glad to see you know that.  
  
Goku jumps into Duo's arms.  
  
Goku: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Duo: Feel better?  
  
Puts Goku down.  
  
Goku: Yeah. So, who should I concentrate on first.  
  
Duo: Crystal . . . er . . . Trunks in Crystal's body.  
  
Goku: Hold on.  
  
Sage: AHHHHHH!!!!! What's happening?  
  
Duo shakes his head before grabbing Sage's arm.  
  
In an alternate dimension. . .  
  
Crystal: Dang it! The whole place is made of metal. These lightning powers don't work here!  
  
Goku: Hey Trunks! What's kicking?  
  
Crystal: Goku!!  
  
Trunks: Man, Relena thought of everything, didn't she?  
  
Duo: Appears so.  
  
He looks at Sage, who has fainted on the floor.  
  
Goku: So, what now?  
  
Trunks: Let me.  
  
Trunks pulls out his sword and slices the wall, making an 'X'. Duo runs up and plants a bomb that was hidden in his braid at the center. It explodes, but the wall remains in tack.  
  
Duo: Dang it. It didn't work.  
  
Goku: Kamahamaha!  
  
Goku blasts the wall, which destroys it.  
  
Trunks: Why didn't you do that in the first place?  
  
Goku: Let's find Duo!  
  
Duo: Yeah! He better have not done anything to my body!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Back on stage.  
  
Duo: Hmm. . . wonder where my body is. . .  
  
Goku: I sense an odd presence of a big, fiery thing.  
  
Trunks: The sun?  
  
Crystal: Ya think? Maybe. Hey where are you going?  
  
Duo: I'm gonna get Duo!  
  
Trunks: Um, I thought we were, too.  
  
Duo: You can't.  
  
Goku: Why, you can't go to the sun alone. . . you'll be fried.  
  
Trunks: Crispy chicken, anyone?  
  
Crystal: Figures you'd think of chicken at a time like this.  
  
Duo: This is a one man. . . er girl mission.  
  
Trunks: Why?  
  
Duo: Because the Gundam can't carry. . .  
  
He counts the number of people.  
  
Duo:. . . . four people besides me.  
  
Goku: I thought you couldn't handle it.  
  
Duo: I'm still a little rusty.  
  
Trunks: That's the understatement of the century. Besides, how can you even try?  
  
Duo: Because I have this!  
  
Spins around to revel the 1000 page manul on Gundam Piloting.  
  
Crystal: Huh?  
  
Duo: It's the instructions.  
  
Trunks: Ok. . .  
  
Duo: Cya.  
  
The Gundam takes off.  
  
Trunks: Good luck.  
Inside the Gundam.. . .  
  
Duo: This isn't so hard. Ha! The great destroyer is back– AH!  
  
The Gundam dives under an asteroid.  
  
Duo: An asteroid? That. . . was . . . close. . . ASTEROID?!? The asteroid belt?  
  
Screams in realization.  
  
Duo: Wait a minute! The asteroid belt? I can't believe it. Only I could get lost in the galaxy. The belt, the belt. Stupid Gundam!  
  
Duo slams his head against the back of his seat.  
  
Duo: It's going the wrong way. Great. I need to think clearly. You can do this, Amy. The manul! Hmm. . .  
  
Flips to the index.  
  
Duo: How to turn a Gundam. . . aha! Turn to page 431-471. Oh great.  
  
Begins to read.  
  
Machine: Warning, Gundam range closing on an asteroid. Please turn away now.  
  
Duo: I know that! Shoot! How can this thing be a million pages long? Isn't there just a simple button to push?  
  
Machine: Thirty seconds until interception. Please disengage.  
  
Duo: Come on!  
  
Flips through more pages.  
  
Duo: No time! Maybe this is it.  
  
Presses the button.  
  
Duo: Please work!  
  
The Gundam makes a U-turn and begins to travel at the speed of light.  
  
Duo: AHHH!!!  
  
Machine: Destination?  
  
Duo: The sun. Phew. That was too close. I'm alive!! Oh, the sun's so bright! Where did Duo put those sunglasses.  
  
Begins to rustle around the junk on the floor.  
  
Duo: Someone has some cleaning to do. Bingo! Got them. Activate screens.  
  
Pushes a button like the book says on page twenty-two.  
  
Duo: What's that on the sun spot? MI CUERPO!!! Duo! My body! Yes!  
  
Long bang.  
  
Duo: Shoot! I can't get any closer. The stupid engine won't hold up. Geez, it's hot in here.  
  
Looks up how to use the speaker. Get's it to work.  
  
Duo: Hey Duo, over here!  
  
Amy: Amy! Hurry up, I'm on fire!  
  
Duo: I can't get any closer! The Gundam will melt!  
  
Amy: Unless. . . Hey, what if I concentrated your ice powers on Deathscythe. You think it'll make the Gundam cool enough to come closer for a few seconds?  
  
Duo: Worth a shot. Here I come!  
  
Amy: I can't believe I'm doing this. Ice Wall Barricade!  
  
Duo: Didn't know I could do that. . . Nice job! Okay, jump up and give me your hand! Gotcha! Here, you take over. I've had enough.  
  
Amy sits in Duo's lap.  
  
Duo: Hey! I didn't say you could sit on me!  
  
Amy: Hehehe. . . well, it's the only way for now, unless you get us home. Hey, how was the Gundam?  
  
Duo: Hehe, no problem. . . don't mention it.  
  
Duo closes his eyes and sighs.  
  
Amy: What's that?  
  
Duo: Huh?  
  
Amy: Look over there.  
  
Duo: I dunno. It wasn't there when I left.  
  
Amy: Strange spacecraft. Not from around here. But we don't have enough fuel. We'll check back later.  
  
Duo: Better tell the others.  
  
The Gundam lands.  
  
Duo: Yes! We made it! Now, get off me!  
  
Pushes Amy out of Gundam. Falls out after her.  
  
Amy: I agree. My feet hurt! Water!  
  
They lie on their backs.  
  
Goku: Now what?  
  
Duo: Five more minutes, mommy.  
  
Crystal: Are they gonna be ok? I mean, Mihoshi has been out of it since you rescued me. . .  
  
Trunks: They'll be ok. I'm glad to see they're both alive.  
  
Goku: Yeah. That Gundam is burnt and charred real bad.  
  
Crystal: Hmm. . .  
  
Five minutes later. . .  
  
Amy: Ahh, the ice cubes never tasted this good!  
  
Duo: I need a T-shirt that says "I flew the Deathscythe and lived". Hey Crystal, where could Sage be?  
  
Trunks: I dunno. . .  
Trunks imitates Sage's voice.  
  
Trunks: Does anyone have a plan?  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Trunks: Let's go get Mihoshi!  
  
Sage: But I'm right here!  
  
Duo: Never mind  
  
Amy: How stupid can you get?  
  
Crystal: Pretty stupid.  
  
Goku: So, it's Sage in Mihoshi's body. Got it.  
  
They disappear from the stage and reappear in barren valley. Mihoshi is sitting cross legged with her eyes closed.  
  
Trunks: Hey Sage!  
  
Mihoshi doesn't move.  
  
Duo: You're boyfriend is deaf or something.  
  
Amy walks up to Mihoshi and waves her hand in front of her face.  
  
Amy: Hell-o-o? Anybody home?  
  
She stands up and shrugs her shoulders.  
  
Amy: Lights on, nobody home.  
  
Sage: Ah! Oh no! He's dead! That means. . . I'M STUCK LIKE THIS FOREVER!!!!! Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Crystal: Will you shut up! He's only meditating. Even an idiot can see that.  
  
Sage: I couldn't tell. So what does that make me?  
  
Crystal: Never mind, Mihoshi.  
  
Mihoshi stirs and opens her eyes. Mihoshi: Will you all shut up! Something's coming!  
  
Trunks: I hear it now!  
  
Loud rumbling is heard from the distance. A large black spaceship appears.  
  
Evil Person: Bwahahahaha!!!!  
  
Relena: Oh yeah. . . Bwahahahaha!!!!  
  
Evil Person: Stupid people. I have the real reversal switch up here. The only way to get it is to beat us!  
  
Goku: I'm gonna blast it! KA - MA- HA - MA----  
  
Goku is turned into a cat.  
  
Cat: Meow! Meow? Meow!  
  
Evil Person: Sorry, no help from the calvary.  
  
Sage: I don't wanna die!!!!  
  
Mihoshi: Transform!  
  
Sage: Ok. Good idea.  
  
Sage gets into position and is in sub armor.  
  
Evil Person: There's no way. . . she couldn't have possible remembered. . .  
  
Sage: Tao. . . um. . . tao. . . um, I forgot.  
  
All: MIHOSHI!!  
  
Mihoshi: Moron.  
  
Trunks: My turn.  
  
Crystal: Are you crazy? You can't fly!  
  
Trunks: Ah, but there is no ceiling!  
  
Flies into the air. Is doing well. Looks over shoulder at others.  
  
Trunks: See? Piece of cake.  
  
All: WATCH OUT FOR THAT-  
  
Trunks slams into a tree.  
  
All: Tree.  
  
Trunks: Oww. . . .  
  
Trunks slides don't the tree and sits in a heap with little ships zooming around his head.  
  
Crystal: This isn't happening.  
  
Amy: Let's go! Double up!  
  
Crystal and Amy fire there ice and lightning powers at the ship, but it has no effect.  
  
Amy: Drat.  
  
Duo: My turn!  
  
Gets inside the Gundam. He starts it up, but it goes haywire.  
  
Duo: Never mind. . . . HELP!!!!  
  
Relena: Only Sage is left! We've won for sure!  
  
Evil Person: Of course. He can't possible know how to use a. . .  
  
Sage undoes the safety lock on the gun.  
  
Evil Person:. . . . gun?  
  
Mihoshi: Do you really think I only know about swords? Sheesh. This is the twenty-first century.  
  
Mihoshi shoots the engine of the ship.  
  
Relena: Oh no!  
  
Evil Person: We're doomed!  
  
Relena: We? Nice try. See ya!  
  
Relena escapes the ship. Evil Person: Two can play at this game.  
  
Evil Person grabs the reversal device, a new outfit, and jumps out. Relena watches as the ship explodes.  
  
Relena: Hehe. . .  
  
Kiyone appears next to Relena.  
  
Kiyone: You're under arrest for breaking law 45621-098721-00542. You have the right to. . .  
  
Relena: But, but. . .  
  
Relena is put in hadcuffs.  
  
Sage: Kiyone! Wow, you caught Relena! Cool!  
  
Kiyone: It was nothing. . . really. And I got the reversal device. Ready?  
  
Kiyone presses the button. Everyone looks at Goku, who is licking his arm.  
  
Goku: What? What's everyone looking at?  
  
Crystal: I've got my body back!  
  
Trunks: Finally. My mom's been worried sick. Gotta go!  
  
Trunks leaves.  
  
Amy: Duo, fix, uh, that.  
  
She points to the Gundam.  
  
Duo: Done in a jiffy.  
  
Gets in and stops it.  
  
Duo: See?  
  
Sage: Amazing. My hair is ok. THANK YOU GOD!!!  
  
Mihoshi: Any last requests, Relena?  
  
Kiyone: It's words, Mihoshi. Words.  
  
Mihoshi: Oh yeah. Any last words, Relena?  
  
Relena realizes that she is helpless and takes action.  
  
Relena: Yes, I do. KIYONE IS THE MASTERMIND BEHIND ALL OF THIS!!!  
  
Kiyone: Liar! How dare you accuse me, a galaxy police officer like that? Mihoshi, who do you believe: me or this so-called pacifist?  
  
Mihoshi: I believe you, Kiyone. Relena, let's go.  
  
Mihoshi and Relena leave in their spaceship.  
  
Goku: Let's all get going. I have to get back to help Trunks get home. I really doubt Bulma will believe this one so easily.  
  
They return to the studio.  
  
Duo: Bye all.  
  
Sage: See ya!  
  
Amy and Crystal jump back up to the rafters.  
  
Amy: What an adventure we've had. Glad it's over.  
  
Crystal: Yeah, but one thing still bugs me.  
  
Amy: What?  
  
Crystal: What if Relena was telling the truth, you know, about Kiyone?  
  
Amy: Never. You've been a boy way too long. But I have the perfect remedy.  
  
Both: SHOPPING!!!!!!  
  
Crystal grabs Sage's Visa and Amy gets Rowen's Mastercard. They leave, but Amy returns to get Quatre's American Express for extra cash.  
  
Amy: Let's go.  
  
Crystal: Sure, but I still wonder. . . .  
  
Meanwhile, at Moon Mental Hospital. . .  
  
Relena: I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!!! I AM!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! NO!!! NO!!!! REALLY!!!!!  
  
She is thrown into a padded cell. The door is shut and sealed tight.  
  
Relena: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
COMMERCIAL 


	7. Part Seven

Rowen is sitting behind stage reading a quantum physics book. He hardly acknowledges that Quatre enters.  
  
Quatre: Hey Rowen. Where is everyone.  
  
Rowen: Hmm. . . .  
  
Quatre: Please don't act like Heero!  
  
Rowen: Hmm . . .  
  
Quatre: Um, why are there fumes coming from the dressing room and sparks from the basement?  
  
Rowen: Hmm. . .  
  
Quatre: Rowen! Oh, I get it.  
  
Rowen saves his place and looks up with a smile.  
  
Rowen: Sage is in the dressing room and is a little pre-occupied trying to fix whatever damage Mihoshi did to his hair. Duo is in the basement fixing his mobile suit.  
  
Quatre: I see. But where did the girls go?  
  
Rowen: I'm not sure. Let me give them a call.  
  
Reaches for his cell phone and realizes that a certain piece of plastic is missing.  
  
Rowen: My Mastercard! It's gone!  
  
Quatre checks his wallet.  
  
Quatre: So's my American Express! Oh no, Amy!  
  
Rowen then adds grimly.  
  
Rowen: And if Amy has our cards, you can bet Crystal has Sage's Visa.  
  
Quatre: This is terrible! I don't have a limit on my Express card! Amy!!!  
  
Rowen: Calm down. Her and her little shopping cohort won't be back for a while. You can't stop her now.  
  
Quatre: Ok. Ok. So, what now? The great destroyer, afro puff, and shop- alolics won't be back until the next millennium. In the meantime, what do we do? Who's gonna run the show? Someone has to present the award now! Duo and Sage were supposed to. . . .  
  
Rowen: Yeah, I see your point. Hmm. . .  
  
Rowen looks at the podium.  
  
Rowen: Maybe we could present?  
  
Quatre: Oh? Yeah! Let's go!  
  
They run to the podium.  
  
Rowen: Good evening ladies and gentlemen.  
  
Quatre: Due to the excitement of our once again normal friends, we will present tonight's award!  
  
Rowen: Don't be alarmed. We assure you that they'll be back.  
  
Quatre: In any event, the nominees for Strongest Character are  
Kento Rei Fuan  
Tenchi  
Heero Yuy  
Vegeta  
  
Quatre: And the winner is Kento!  
  
Rowen: Oh boy.  
  
Kento runs on stage.  
  
Kento: I won? Seriously? Dude, this is so cool!  
  
Vegeta stands and talks in his show voice, which is full of anger.  
  
Vegeta: I was beaten by this guy? How disrespectful to the Sayian race. Everyone knows I'm the strongest! Die, o' pudgy one!  
Vegeta hurls a fireball at Kento's head. Kento ducks.  
  
Kento: Ah! I'd like to thank everyone but I'm about to be blown up by the psycho in the sixth row. And I think I hear the refrigerator calling my name. . .  
  
Kento runs offstage, followed by a fireball.  
  
Quatre: Oh no!  
  
Quatre ducks behind the podium.  
  
Rowen: Eek!  
  
Rowen dives behind the podium as a fireball explodes on stage. As the dust clears, Duo appears, covered in oil stains.  
  
Duo: Thanks for covering! I lost track of time fixing all the bugs.  
  
Sage walks in. His hair seems puffier than usual.  
  
Sage: Same here. Um, what happened here?  
  
Quatre: Don't ask.  
  
Rowen: Just keep away from Kento and Vegeta.  
  
Crystal and Amy walk into the room in the rafters, arms full of shopping bags. Crystal coughs from the smoke.  
  
Crystal: What happened?  
  
She and Amy drop their bags.  
  
Amy: Um, we'll be back after this commercial. Do you think they let Mihoshi visit?  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Crystal: Oh boy. Hi guys.  
  
Amy: Hey.  
  
Amy lowers her voice.  
  
Amy: We're going to die, aren't we?  
  
Sage: Hey, Crystal. Have you, by any chance, seen my Visa?  
  
Duo: Or Quatre's American Express?  
  
Quatre: I can speak for myself, Duo.  
  
Duo: Sheesh. Don't have a multi-million dollar meltdown.  
  
Rowen: Speaking of money, have you seen my Mastercard?  
  
Crystal: Ummmm. . . .  
  
Amy: Well, you see. . .  
  
Boys: Well?  
  
Crystal: Wetookallthecardsandwentonashoppingspreetocalmourselvesdownan dtogetoverthefactwewereboysforafewhours,okmisterblondecyclopes,bluehairedfre ak,andmultimilliondollarreject.  
  
Boys: WHAT???? Slow down.  
  
Amy: She said we needed to recover from being boys. So, we went shopping.  
  
Quatre: Well, ok. But next time ask us first.  
  
Sage: How much did you spend?  
  
Rowen: Wait for the bill, we'll charge them then.  
  
Rowen and Quatre exit the stage and Crystal and Amy return to the rafters.  
  
Duo: On to our awards. Plural. As in more than one.  
  
Sage: They get the picture.  
  
Duo: Anyway, here are the nominees for the Worst Driver Award.  
Piccolo  
Serena  
Mia  
Mihoshi  
Dorothy  
  
Sage: And the winner is Piccolo.  
  
Piccolo walks up and silently gets the award. He then returns to his seat, which is next to Goku and behind Gohan.  
  
Sage: Ok. The nominees for. . .  
  
Goku: . . .Ha ha, Piccolo. . . worst driver. . . ahaha!  
  
Piccolo: Shut it, Goku.  
  
Goku: Still, I guess you were worst than me. Ahahaha!!  
  
Piccolo: One of these days, Goku. . . . you'll see.  
  
Gohan: Oh, come on Mr. Piccolo, let me see.  
  
Piccolo hands Gohan the trophy.  
  
Gohan: Wow, this is so cool, Mr. Piccolo! You won an award!  
  
Piccolo: Thanks, Gohan.  
  
Sage: Anyway. . . Now for the Best Driver Award. The nominees are  
Rowen  
Amara  
Bulma  
Ryoko  
Heero  
  
Duo: And the winner is Ryoko!  
  
Ryoko: Aha! Take that, Ayeka! I got an award and you didn't!  
  
Ayeka: Why I never. . . .  
  
She watches in envy as Ryoko is handed her award.  
  
Ryoko: Thanks, cutie. But it's really Ryo-oki that does the hard work.  
  
Sage: You shouldn't have said that. . .  
  
Crystal leans head over the edge of rafters.  
  
Crystal: Argh! Cutie? He's mine!  
  
Crystal hurls massive thunderbolts at Ryoko.  
  
Ryoko: What the? Alrighty then, if that's the way you want it!  
  
Ryoko jumps up to the rafters. Flashes of light and explosions are heard.  
  
Ryoko: Take that, and that!  
  
Crystal: Die, Pirate!  
  
Duo: Ok. . . We'll be back. . .  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Amy, Quatre, Duo, Sage, and Rowen are moving their heads side to side as they follow the explosions above.  
  
Amy: This really sucks.  
  
Rowen: That's the understatement of the millennium.  
  
Quatre: They shouldn't be fighting at all!  
  
Duo: Will you stop saying that!  
  
Amy yells up to Crystal.  
  
Amy: Hurry it up already! My favorite show comes on in five minutes!  
  
Sage: Huh? Television?  
  
Amy: Uh, yeah. You know, that big 3-D box that you watch little people on?  
  
Rowen: We know what it is, but what is it doing in the rafters?  
  
Amy: Look, it's our second home up there. Well, the one we spend three months in each year during voice acting jobs. It has a shower, a 64 inch tv, kitchen, beds, etc. Most of it is in another dimension, thanks to Washu of course, except the tv, which we brought out for the boring parts of the show, which isn't often. And the bathroom, which was put in another, more secret, dimension.  
  
Duo: Oh, could I maybe watch. . .  
  
Amy: No!  
  
Duo: But I didn't get to finish.  
  
Amy: Sorry, but I've privacy issues.  
  
Quatre: What was that?  
  
Everyone turns as a dripping sound was heard. They look up to see water dripping on the stage.  
  
Amy: Arg! My shower! This is getting personal! Don't make me have to come up there!  
  
Dodges a large energy blast.  
  
Amy: Forget I said that.  
  
Duo: Now what?  
  
Rowen: Present an award?  
  
Sage: Good idea, at least while the roof holds up. The nominees for Cutest Kid are  
Sasami  
Rini  
Sakura  
Yulie  
  
Rowen: Anyone but Yulie!  
  
Duo: And the winner is Sasami!  
  
Sasami: Wow, I'm cute! Thanks. I especially want to thank the illustrators, cell printers, and my voice-over for making me so cute as well as my friends. Hey, Ayeka! Look, I got an award! Because I am that magical girl, Pretty Sammy! And as for you, Ryoko, if you don't stop fighting right now, I will hate you, so there!  
  
Amy: Look out!  
Amy knocks Sasami to the ground as a light fixture crashes to the ground.  
  
Amy: That was too close.  
  
Sasami: I just wanted her to stop fighting. . .  
  
Amy: I know, but with them, it's war.  
  
Quatre: Look out!  
  
Amy pulls Sasami out of the way again as another light fixture falls.  
  
Sage: Great. It's raining light fixtures now.  
  
Duo: First a house in the rafters, and now this..  
  
Quatre: I don't think we show be hanging around now. . .  
  
Rowen: Let's go!  
  
They all run but slip on the puddle on the floor, sliding offstage.  
  
All: AHH!!!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Sage and Duo are sitting back stage pouting. Duo is in a grumbling mood.  
  
Sage: Why can't we present?  
  
Duo: Cuz we're nominated for the sicko award.  
  
Sage: Huh?  
  
Duo: Never mind.  
  
On stage. . .  
  
Amy: Oh boy! I get to present! The nominees for the Most Likely Gay Couple are. . .  
  
The fight in the rafters freezes.  
  
Crystal: You can't say that! This is a kid friendly show!  
  
The fight continues. Amy: Oops. Forgot, kid show. Sorry. The nominees for the Most Likely To Be More Than Friends award are  
Duo and Heero  
Sage and Rowen  
Quatre and Trowa  
Amara and Michelle  
Mihoshi and Kiyone  
  
Amy: And the winners are Amara and Michelle!  
  
They walk on stage.  
  
Amara: Can't you stupid people understand we are cousins!  
  
Michelle: In America, but not in Japan.  
  
She begins to giggle. Amara rolls her eyes.  
  
Amara: This is because I take the tomboy role a little to the extreme . . . .  
  
An explosion distracts her.  
  
Amara: What? Ryoko . . . .  
  
Michelle: Why do you hate her so much.  
  
Amara: It's personal. Uranus Star Power!  
  
She transforms and jumps to the rafters.  
  
Michelle: Amara. . . I'm coming! Neptune Star Power!  
  
She transforms and joins Amara.  
  
Ryoko: Aha, gotcha now!  
  
Blasts another energy bomb at Crystal, who jumps out of the way.  
  
Crystal: Nobody hits on my man!  
  
Ryoko: Yours, I didn't see your name on him.  
  
Sage: Sigh. . . .  
  
Crystal: Arg! Amara: Uranus World Shaking!  
  
Ryoko is hit.  
  
Ryoko: What was that?  
  
Crystal: There should be another attack right about. . . .  
  
Michelle: Neptune Deep Submerge!  
  
Crystal: . . . now.  
  
Ryoko: Amara and Michelle. I should've known.  
  
Amara: Admit to what you've done!  
  
Ryoko: I didn't do anything.  
  
Crystal: What's going on?  
  
Michelle: Ryoko threatened one of the hosts to make sure she won the award when in fact the winner was Amara.  
  
Ryoko: Wow, someone's a sore loser.  
  
Crystal: Hmm. . . Sage?  
  
Sage: Yes?  
  
Crystal: Did she bribe you?  
  
Sage averts his eyes and shakes his head.  
  
Crystal: Sage. . .  
  
He breaks down.  
  
Sage: Ok ok! She said she would cut off my hair, steal my products, and put stunt growth on my head if I didn't grant her the winner!  
  
He begins to whimper.  
  
Duo: HA! You backed down to a girl!  
  
Ryoko: Want to keep that braid of yours, kid?  
Duo begins to whimper as he silences himself.  
  
Crystal: That's it!. Amara, Michelle!  
  
Amara: World Shaking!  
  
Ryoko falls on her butt.  
  
Ryoko: Someone make the floor stop shaking!  
  
Michelle: Deep Submerge!  
  
Ryoko becomes soaking wet.  
  
Ryoko: That's it! I just permed my hair.  
  
Crystal: Let me help.  
  
Crystal zaps Ryoko with her lightning powers.  
  
Ryoko: You'll pay, you all will pay!  
  
Ryoko flies away.  
  
Crystal: Here you go, Amara.  
  
Amara: Thanks. Come on Michelle.  
  
Michelle: See you later, Crystal.  
  
They leave, hand in hand.  
  
Crystal: I wonder. . .  
  
Amy: There, there. . .  
  
She's trying to comfort Duo and Sage.  
  
Amy: A little help here.  
  
Crystal: Sorry.  
  
COMMERCIAL 


	8. Part Eight

Amy: Why wasn't everyone's name written out completely, hmm? Does somebody want to tell me????  
  
Sage: Typo?  
  
Amy: Dang it!  
  
Duo: Huh?  
  
Amy: Now I can't sue anybody! I guess I'll have to watch tv. . . .  
  
Duo: Hey, can we–  
  
Amy: Absolutely not.  
  
Sage: Why not?  
  
Amy: Because, if I let you watch it, then I would have to let everyone watch it.  
  
Duo: But, but. . . .  
  
Amy: No buts.  
  
She jumps up to the rafters.  
  
Sage: Aww, did she hurt your feelings because she didn't let you watch your tv show with the pink elephant?  
  
Duo: I don't know what your talking about.  
  
Sage: Yes you do. You still have that blanket with it on the front.  
  
Duo: Why I outta. . . .  
  
Amy: Get to the award. . . . my ice powers could use some targets. . . .  
  
Sage: Fine.  
  
Duo: As we had earlier. . . .  
  
Sage: Pink elephant. . . .  
  
Amy: Sage, better watch yourself. I have some blackmail on you. One more elephant phase from your mouth and I'll the audience about how you have all the episodes of that show on tape! Oh dear, did I say that out loud? Oops.  
  
Everyone cracks up while Sage goes red, crosses his arms, and looks away.  
  
Duo: Earlier, we had, the well, sicko version of couples mostly likely to be more than friends, so now we have the Most Likely to Be a Couple – the sane version. The nominees are  
Heero and Relena  
Ryo and Mia  
Darian and Serena  
Tenchi and Ryoko  
  
Sage: The winner is. . . well, its says here that Ryo has too much of an attitude problem – not far from the truth, I'll admit – a lot can happen in the future and Jurians and Space Pirates will never work because of other Jurians getting in the way. . .so the winners are Heero and Relena. unfortunately, neither are here, so we'll mail them their trophies.  
  
Duo: We'll be back!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Duo is leaning against a wall and Sage is seated on a chair. Sage's head is nodding to the rhythm of his music. Duo puts his headphones on.  
  
Duo: Hey Sage?  
  
No response.  
  
Duo: Oh well.  
  
He stands up and starts to dance.  
  
Duo: Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who?  
  
His hands are moving in circles around his head. He then switches to an Egyptian-like dance.  
  
Duo: Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who?  
  
Sage opens one eye.  
  
Sage: Sheesh, Duo. Grow up.  
  
Duo sticks out his tongue and continues to dance. Sage rolls his eyes and nods his head to his "Beethoven's Sixth and other Classical Scores by Classical Composers" CD. Up in the rafters, Amy is listening to her boom box.  
  
Amy: All you people, can't you see, can't you see? How your love's affecting our reality? Every time we're down, you can make it right, and that makes you larger than life.  
  
She keeps singing as Crystal walks into the room.  
  
Crystal: Amy? Amy? AMY!!  
  
She turns off the boom box. Amy continues to sing off-key.  
  
Amy: How your love's affecting our reality. HEY!! I was listening to that!  
  
Crystal: Sorry, but we have to present.  
  
Amy: Why can't the guys do it?  
  
Crystal looks backstage.  
  
Crystal: Duo is dancing and Sage is in the 'Musical Mood'.  
  
Amy: Tell me about it. Quatre and Rowen went to a Britney Spears concert.  
  
Crystal: I wonder. . . hey, did you get the mail today.  
  
Amy: No, I thought you did.  
  
Crystal: No. . . .  
  
Amy and Crystal: THE BILLS!!!  
  
Amy: I guess we have to present.  
  
Crystal: Lets.  
  
They jump on stage.  
  
Amy: Hey, now its time we recognized those who put a lot of effort into that musical score that's behind all the action in our favorite shows.  
  
Crystal: Right. So, the nominees for best musical score are  
Gundam Wing  
Ronin Warriors  
Sailor Moon S  
Dragon Ball Z  
Digimon: Digital Monsters  
Tenchi Universe  
  
Inside the directors' heads. . . .  
  
Crystal: This is really tough.  
  
Amy: I think Digimon is out.  
  
Crystal: Normally, I would kill you for that, but I have to agree.  
Digimon: Digital Monsters  
  
Crystal: And the Sailor Moon S should definitely go.  
  
Amy: But the outer transformation. . . .  
  
Crystal: . . . is the only good thing about it.  
  
Amy: Point taken.  
Sailor Moon S  
  
Amy: And out with Tenchi.  
  
Crystal: That's a shocker.  
  
Amy: Yeah, well. . .  
  
Crystal: Gone.  
Tenchi Universe  
  
Amy: Now what?  
  
Crystal: Three way tie?  
  
Amy: Can we do that?  
  
Crystal: Are we directors or are we directors?  
  
Outside the directors' heads.  
  
Amy: Ladies and gentlemen. The voting squad couldn't decide, so there's a three way tie! The composers of Dragon Ball Z, Ronin Warriors, and Gundam Wing will be sent their awards by Wing Zero mail.  
  
Duo and Sage run on stage.  
  
Duo: Did I miss the award? Sage: My watch broke. Are we late?  
  
Amy and Crystal: Yes.  
  
They smile evilly.  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Duo: You mean we didn't get to present the award?  
  
Sage: We missed it? I can't believe it! Why didn't you remind us?  
  
Duo: Yeah, we really wanted to do the award!  
  
Crystal: Umm. . . .  
  
Amy: Er. . .  
  
Kiyone lands on stage, crashing through the roof.  
  
Duo: I think we should put a door there.  
  
Kiyone: I can tell you why!  
  
Crystal: Uh-oh.  
  
Amy: You explain it to them and we'll go. . . take our break.  
  
Crystal: Yeah. . . . good idea  
  
They start to creep off.  
  
Kiyone: Hold it right there!  
  
They freeze in mid step.  
  
Crystal: Huh?  
  
Amy: You talking to us?  
  
Kiyone: Yes! Mihoshi! Give me a hand!  
  
They handcuff Amy and Crystal to the podium.  
  
Duo: Huh?  
  
Kiyone: Nobody is leaving this stage until one winner is declared.  
  
Sage: Beg your pardon?  
  
Kiyone: These two here allegedly announced a three way tie when actually the voting committee did decide a winner. They thought it be funny if they made a tie because they didn't want to get rid of some of the shows.  
  
Duo: Your kidding!  
  
Kiyone: No, I'm not. How do you plead. Amy? Crystal?  
  
Crystal: Um. . . . er . . . . a funny thing hap – guilty as charged.  
  
Sage: WHAT!?!  
  
Kiyone: Amy?  
  
Amy: I plead. . . plead. . . I plead for insanity! See, see, see, um, um, um. . . . see Relena. . . . yeah, Relena was sending me telepathic signals to get rid of Tenchi Universe and create a tie and threatened to kill me if I didn't and I was . . . . really, really, REALLY scared so I did it and now you treat me like a common criminal!  
  
Everyone stares in shock as Amy begins to cry.  
  
Kiyone: Ok. . . ok.  
  
Kiyone shakes her head and Amy cries harder.  
  
Kiyone: OK!! I believe you. Sheesh.  
  
Duo: We won't be mad. Just tell the nice audience who really won.  
  
Sage: Kiyone, we can take it from here.  
  
Amy stops crying as the handcuffs are removed.  
  
Amy: You guys do it.  
  
Crystal: Yeah. You really wanted to anyway.  
  
Duo: Ok. Sage: And the winner is. . . .  
  
Duo: . . . . Ronin Warriors!  
  
Samurai Heart music begins to play as everyone walks offstage.  
  
Crystal: I'm so sorry. I had no idea Relena was controlling you. And to think I went along. . . .  
  
Amy: Oh brother.  
  
Crystal: What? What did I say?  
  
Amy: I'm beginning to understand why they called you Miss Gullible in High School. Cut to a commercial.  
  
COMMERCIAL Crystal: What's this door doing here?  
  
She opens the door to find a room with only a beam across the roof.  
  
Crystal: What the?  
  
Duo is dancing in the middle of the floor.  
  
Duo: Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who?  
  
He continues dancing until he sees Crystal.  
  
Duo: Hey babe, what's kicking?  
  
Crystal tries to shock him, but nothing happens.  
  
Crystal: My powers are gone!  
  
Duo: Duh! But if you want them back, you must understand. . . .  
  
He jumps up and hangs from the beam, upside down. He imitates Dais.  
  
Duo: This is nearly an illusion that you must see through in order to. . . AHH!!  
  
Duo falls off and lands on his head.  
  
Duo: How does he do it? Crystal: Ok. . . .  
  
She is slightly confused.  
  
Crystal: So, what do I do?  
  
Duo points to the door on the other side of the room.  
  
Duo: Dude, just go through there.  
  
Crystal: Dude?  
  
Duo: Where's my car?  
  
Duo rolls on the floor cracking up, while Crystal has a blank expression. She decides to leave and walk through the door.  
  
Amy: Ok. How the heck did I get in here?  
  
She hears Duo singing from behind the door.  
  
Amy: DO YOU EVER STOP SINGING!!! Huh?  
  
A fish with legs runs past. Kento stops when he sees Amy.  
  
Kento: Yo, Amy. Wazzup?  
  
Amy: The food bill. What are you doing here?  
  
Kento gets this 'i-am-so-starving-that-i-am-hungry' face.  
  
Kento: I wanna eat my dinner!  
  
He points to the running fish.  
  
Kento: But fish boy won't stop running. Besides, I'm just getting more hungry trying to catch him.  
  
Amy: I'll freeze it for you.  
  
She tries to freeze the fish, but nothing happens.  
  
Amy: I lost them.  
  
Kento: Drat. Come back here, fish boy!  
  
He runs after the fish.  
  
Amy: Fish boy? Fish boy! FISH BOY! KENTO STOP!!!  
  
Kento stops just before he is about to bite the head off the fish he just caught.  
  
Kento: What?  
  
Amy: That's no fish!  
  
She pulls off the fish costume.  
  
Amy: That's Sai!  
  
Sai: Thanks mate.  
  
He looks at Kento before wacking him on the head.  
  
Sai: Stop trying to bloody eat me! As for you, Amy. If you go through that door, you'll get your powers back.  
  
Amy: K. See ya.  
  
She walks through the door.  
  
Sage: Where am I? And why do I smell like fish?  
  
Sees ten people approaching. He recognizes them immediately.  
  
Sage: Who cares! I'm in Sailor Heaven!  
  
The ten people are the nine scouts plus a grown-up Rini. They are all in their Sailor Scout outfits. They approach Sage seductively.  
  
Mars: Hey Sage. We've come to tell you something.  
  
Mercury: Yes, it's very important.  
  
Moon: Um, why are we here again?  
  
Venus: To teach Sage a lesson.  
  
Very naughty thoughts fill Sage's brain.  
  
Sage: What kind of lesson?  
  
Jupiter: Even though you look like my last boyfriend. . .  
  
Pluto: It must be done for the rights of all women.  
  
Neptune: For love. . .  
  
Uranus: . . . and respect . . .  
  
They all simultaneously pull out color-coded scissors.  
  
Saturn: . . . We will cut your hair!  
  
Sage: AHHH!!!  
  
They start to advance on Sage.  
  
Sage: NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
All Scouts: CUT HAIR!!! CUT HAIR!!! CUT HAIR!!!  
  
They chant this as they chase Sage around in circles.  
  
Sage: I'm sorry!!! I'M SORRY!!! I'll change my ways!!! I promise!!!  
  
All Scouts: CUT HAIR!!! APOLOGIZE!!! CHANGE WAYS!!!  
  
This chant continues as they continue to chase Sage. . . and gain ground.  
  
Sage: Thank god, a door! I'm sorry! I'm gonna change! Anything but the hair!!  
  
He sees a door opening.  
  
Sage: Thank god! Thank you god!  
  
He runs through the door.  
  
Duo: Ok. I'm tired. I feel like I just ran the 500k or something. Huh?  
  
He sees the girls that Tenchi hangs with standing around a cage that is being lowered into a flaming pit.  
  
Ryoko: Haha! Ayeka, this is brilliant!  
  
Ayeka: Why thank you. And thanks for loving me like a sister all these years. And maybe more. . . .  
  
She laughs an annoying, high pitched laugh.  
  
Duo: Again, huh?  
  
Sasami: I'm still your sister, right Ayeka?  
  
Washu: Of course. And the cage was designed by the incredibly brilliant Mihoshi! She even surpasses me in knowledge!  
  
Duo: WHAT???  
  
Mihoshi: Washu, your making me blush!  
  
Kiyone: Yeah, Washu. Mihoshi is my partner.  
  
She laughs in a silly way.  
  
Kiyone: And not yours!  
  
Duo: Ok. I'm not in Kansas anymore. What the heck is going on?  
  
He see's what's in the cage.  
  
Duo: Ack!  
  
Tenchi, Yosho, and Tenchi's father are being held in the cage.  
  
Tenchi: Listen, girls. I understand if you want to be. . . er. . . change. But killing us? Isn't that a little out of proportion???  
  
Yosho: Hmm. . . . Tenchi, leave them be?  
  
Tenchi: What??? How can you say that? We're about to die!  
  
Tenchi's father: I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!  
  
Girls: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Duo: No way. . . . They're all . . . .  
He faints.  
  
Crystal, Amy, Sage, and Duo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
COMMERCIAL 


	9. Part Nine

Sage walks in from offstage.  
  
Sage: Welcome back!  
  
From above stage. . .  
  
Amy: Ice Sub-zero Reverse!  
  
Water falls on the stage. Sage and Duo slip and crash into the podium.  
  
Sage: What the? Who put that water there?  
  
Amy: Oopsie!  
  
Duo runs on stage.  
  
Duo: Hey Sage! Sorry, but I had the strangest –  
  
He slips, crashes into the now standing Sage, who both crash into the podium.  
  
Amy: AHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Duo: Amy!  
  
Amy: It just slipped, ok? Besides, it seemed fitting.  
  
Sage: Huh?  
  
Duo: Fitting for what?  
  
Amy: The award! So get going!  
  
Sage: Ok, ok.  
  
Duo: The presenters are, gulp, Mihoshi and Sailor Mars.  
  
Sage: Raye? Oh god. Um, you wouldn't, by any chance, be caring scissors?  
  
Raye: No. That's a stupid question.  
  
Sage: Yeah. . . just precautionary measurements. . . . bye!!!!  
  
Sage runs off stage.  
  
Duo: Um, Mihoshi, what's two plus two?  
  
Mihoshi: That's an easy question! Twenty-two!  
  
Duo: Ok. Thanks. . . . see ya!  
  
Duo runs offstage.  
  
Raye: They're acting weird today.  
  
Mihoshi: No, I think they always act like that!  
  
Raye: Ok. . . the nominees for the Most Embarrassing Moment are  
Washu, when her pants fall down  
Duo, when he thinks he's saving Relena  
Tenchi, when he walks in on the girls bathing  
Sakura, when seen wearing those outfits  
Kento, when boasting about sand dunes  
Raye, when walking in on Darien bathing.  
  
Raye: I'm nominated?  
  
Mihoshi: Really? Wow, I hope you win!  
  
Raye: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Mihoshi: Why are you yelling at me?  
  
Her lip begins to quiver.  
  
Raye: I'm sorry. Anyway, the winner isn't me! It's Tenchi!  
  
Tenchi: What? There must be some mistake!  
  
Mihoshi: Wow! That's so cool, Tenchi!  
  
Sasami: Yeah, Tenchi. You're a very naughty boy, aren't ya?  
  
Tenchi: Err . . . .  
He faints and is carried offstage by Mihoshi and Raye.  
  
Sage: I guess that's what they mean by dying of embarrassment.  
  
Duo: We'll be back!!  
  
COMMERCIAL Part Six  
  
Sage: Hello, and welcome to–  
  
Duo: Something isn't right.  
  
Crystal storms on stage followed by Amy.  
  
Crystal: That's it, next year we go by Satellite.  
  
Amy: Screw Comcast!!!  
  
Sage: What's wrong?  
  
Duo: What happened?  
  
Girls: THE CABLE'S OUT!!!  
  
Boys: Damn.  
  
10:31 a.m. - the stage  
  
Amy: I can't believe the cable is still out!  
  
Sage: It's not like the world's going to end. . . .  
  
Crystal: Yes it is! We have a show to do, and if we're not doing it, then we are wasting precious money that we really don't have and then we'll have to pay the entire 3,000 personal staff overtime!  
  
Duo: 3,000? Ok. . . . but still, you should calm down. To change the topic, what are you doing at midnight?  
  
Amy: Oh, we're having a sleepover. You guys?  
  
Sage: I'll be with the other Ronins.  
  
Duo: Yuli coming?  
  
Sage: I hope not. You want to come?  
  
Duo: Nah, I got plans of my own.  
  
Crystal: Well, there's no point in staying. We'll call if the cable gets reconnected.  
  
Sage: Ok. Bye.  
  
Duo: Later.  
  
Amy: See ya!  
  
5:03 p.m. - in the room in the rafters.  
  
Amy: What should we do?  
  
Her stomach growls. Crystal looks down at her growling stomach.  
  
Crystal: Dinner would be a good idea.  
  
Amy: Ok. Mac and Cheese or Pizza?  
  
Crystal makes a face at the mention of Pizza.  
  
Amy: Right, I forgot.  
  
Fifteen minutes later. . .  
  
Amy: All done!  
  
Crystal: What would I do if I didn't have my blue box?  
  
Amy: Starve.  
  
Crystal: You're so funny.  
  
Amy turns on Television.  
  
Tom: . . . . Outlaw Star, coming soon to Toonami. Wild West, Y2K style.  
  
Crystal: What's this? Could it be a new show?  
  
Amy: That's what it looks like.  
  
Crystal: Well, that can only mean more nominees for next year.  
  
8:42 p.m. - Mia's Mansion.  
  
Sai: I can't believe Kento ate all the bloody food!  
  
Rowen: He has to have tape worm or something.  
  
Ryo: Very funny. We went to get the stuff and he eats us out of house and home.  
  
Yuli: But he didn't eat the house, Ryo.  
  
Mia: It's an expression, Yuli.  
  
Sai: I need food.  
  
Rowen: Where's Sage and that pizza?  
  
The front door opens. Sage walks in with five pizzas.  
  
Sage: Ok. Cheese pizza for me. . . New York Deep Dish for Rowen. . . the works minus the anchovies for Sai . . . . pepperoni for you three. . . and everything for the bottomless pit. Speaking of Kento, where is he?  
  
Sai: Give it a minute.  
  
Sai opens Kento's pizza. The sound of heavy footsteps racing down the stairs is heard.  
  
Kento: Pizza? Great, I'm starving!  
  
Everyone groans.  
  
11:59:45 p.m. - hospital  
  
Heero: Hmm. . .  
  
He looks at his watch and smiles.  
  
Heero: Happy New Year!  
  
He presses a red button on a black stick.  
  
Heero: Hahahahahahaha!!!!  
  
He looks out the window.  
  
Heero: But the jail house was supposed to be destroyed. Damn! Why can't I ever kill her?  
  
Hear's a knock on the door.  
  
Heero: Who's there?  
Duo walks in.  
  
Duo: I know it's a little late. . . but . . . .  
  
Heero: Get on with it.  
  
Duo throws a small box on Heero's lap.  
  
Duo: Happy New Year. See ya!  
  
Duo runs out the room. Heero opens the box.  
  
Heero: Huh? Broken wire? Now, why would he give me . . . . wait a minute. . . Duo, that's not funny!!!!  
  
Two days later. . . .  
  
Crystal: Ok. Let's check the list.  
  
She pulls a checklist.  
  
Crystal: Food?  
  
Duo runs out of the kitchen.  
  
Duo: Sai's cooking it right now.  
  
Crystal: But you were supposed to cook!  
  
Duo: Me? Cook? No way. The only thing I know how to make is a PB & J and even that doesn't come out so well . . . . anyway. . . .  
  
He runs back into the kitchen.  
  
Crystal: Oh well. Sai's cooking is the best. Um, decorations.  
  
A blond head pokes from behind the basement door.  
  
Sage: Almost done. It looks superb.  
  
Crystal: Is that Sage superb or normal superb?  
  
Sage: I don't know what you mean . . . .  
  
Crystal: I mean is it green with pics of women?  
Sage acts shocked.  
  
Sage: I don't know what you are talking about. It's just what the doctor ordered.  
  
The head disappears.  
  
Crystal: Moving on. Music?  
  
Duo runs from the kitchen with a giant cardboard box.  
  
Duo: Check.  
  
Crystal: I thought we were getting a DJ?  
  
Duo shakes his head.  
  
Duo: With the cable out, we can't afford one. So, instead, I'll just play some CD's.  
  
Crystal: Fine. Last thing is the Guest of Honor. Anybody know where she is?  
  
Sage exits the basement.  
  
Sage: Ask Duo.  
  
Duo: I sent here grocery shopping.  
  
Crystal: What for??  
  
Duo: She walked in as I was deciding what to cook and she gave some advice and I sent her to get the supplies.  
  
Sage: For once, you did something right.  
  
Duo: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
Crystal: Hide, she's coming!  
  
They all hide in the basement. Amy walks in and puts the groceries in the kitchen.  
  
Amy: Duo? Where is he? I brought him his stuff.  
  
See's the ajar basement door.  
  
Amy: Ha ha. I'm not that stupid. He's probably behind the door. Please. I've seen every scary movie in the world.  
She pushes the door, only to have it slam against the wall. She looks down into the darkness. She feels a little anxious.  
  
Amy: Duo? You down there? Hello?  
  
She receives no answer and walks slowly down the steps, getting a little bit more afraid as she goes.  
  
Amy: Where is that light switch? Right, I'm on the bottom, it should be to my left.  
  
She finds it and flicks it on.  
  
All: SURPRISE!!!!!  
  
Amy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Sage: Happy Birthday to you!  
  
Duo: Happy Birthday to you!  
  
Crystal: Happy Birthday dear Amy!  
  
All: Happy Birthday to you!  
  
Amy: Ok. . . . ha ha. . . . I get it. . . next time, though, I won't be so nice and let you off the hook for scaring me like that.  
  
Sage: Why not kill us now?  
  
Amy: Then I wouldn't get any presents.  
  
Duo: Party time!  
  
He turns on Black and Blue.  
  
Crystal is sitting, watching t.v., 3 days later. . . .  
  
Louie: For $100,000, we polled 100 people, what were the names these people recalled first from the movie, Blue Submarine #6?  
  
Dr. J: I know one of them is Hayami.  
  
Louie: Hayami. Judges? Correct!  
  
Master O: I remember Muteo.  
  
Louie: Muteo? Yes!  
  
Instructor H: I saw this movie. I don't remember Belg being one, but maybe Zorndyke?  
  
Louie: Which is your guess?  
  
Instructor H: No, I remember now! There was a Norayu!  
  
Louie: Judges? Nope, that's your first strike. . . .  
  
Crystal: Geez, and these idiots taught Heero, Quatre, and Wufei . . . Look, Belg is the papa screaming manic with the weird voice! You'll throw the others off! What's the point?  
  
She changes the channel.  
  
Regis: For one million dollors, what word does Muteo say at the end of Blue Submarine #6? Is it a) Hayami b) sorry c) Belg or d) goodbye.  
  
Crystal: I didn't remember her speaking at all! Oh well, too much tv is bad for me anyway. Ha! Yeah right, but I'm hungry.  
  
Goes into kitchen.  
  
Crystal: It's too quiet. What's this? They've gone shopping! How cruel, they left me behind! But why?  
  
Deep in though, starts to walk toward the door and opens it.  
  
Amy, Sage, Duo: SURPRISE!!!  
  
Crystal: Geez! I should of figured you'd be lurking around here. It's been three days since we've celebrated her birthday.  
  
Amy: How easily we forget.  
  
Sage: Time for cake!!  
  
Duo: Ok! Happy birthday to you! You live in a zoo! You smell like a monkey! And look like one too!  
  
Crystal: Very funny. Thank you so much!  
  
Duo: I'm kidding. Happy birthday to you!  
  
Amy and Sage interrupt.  
  
Amy and Sage: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Crystal, happy birthday to you!  
  
Duo: HEY! I was gonna sing it right!  
  
Sage: Sure. . . .  
  
Duo: I was. . . . oh yeah! And many more!!!  
  
Crystal: I must say this is the most interesting birthday yet!  
  
Amy: Great! And I know what will make it better! Three hours of Backstreet Boys!  
  
Amy and Crystal begin jumping up and down hysterically.  
  
Sage and Duo: Groan. . . .  
  
In the wee hours of the morning. . . .  
  
Crystal: Yes!  
  
She begins to jump with joy.  
  
Crystal: Cable is up and running! Look at the time, it's two in the morning! Time for bed. We have a show to do!  
  
Falls asleep on the desk.  
  
Crystal: What a nice sleep. Great! I overslept. Just what we need. Where's Amy? She should have been up ages ago!  
  
Opens door to Amy's room. Sees a huddled mass on bed with lots of white clumps on the ground. A groan and a sneeze is heard, followed by a nose being blown. Another clump falls to the floor as a hoarse whisper is heard.  
  
Amy: What do you want?  
  
Crystal: Found you! Come on, we've got a – Amy are you ok?  
  
Amy pulls the covers over her face.  
  
Amy: Must stay in bed. . . .  
  
Crystal: Don't be silly, we've got a ton to do!  
  
She rips the covers off Amy.  
  
Crystal: Amy! What's the matter!  
  
Amy: Not getting out of bed!! I've got a cold, cough, stomachache, fever. . . .  
  
Crystal: Oh. . . . are you taking medicine?  
  
Amy: Yeah, about four.  
  
She points to the pile of bottles on dresser.  
  
Crystal: Well, I guess we'll have to do without you. . .  
  
Amy: K.  
  
Crystal: Need anything?  
  
Amy: No. I've already called Rowen and Quatre and they're bringing soup and more Kleenex. I'm almost out.  
  
She sneezes and blows her noses. Another tissue falls to the floor.  
  
Crystal: Hope you feel better soon!  
  
Later. . . .  
  
Crystal: You understand?  
  
Duo: I guess. . . .  
  
Sage: But why do we need a new director and helper?  
  
Crystal: Temporary new director and helper. Amy's sick.  
  
Sage: Ok.  
  
He looks at list in clipboard. Sage: There are just too many to choose from.  
  
Duo looks over his shoulder.  
  
Duo: But there are only five choices!  
  
Sage: I know, but they're all so beautiful!  
  
Crystal: Great. First up, Mihoshi!  
  
Mihoshi: Hi! I'm back! I hope you . . . . ummm . . . . hold on. . . .  
  
She removes the pink cube and begins to turns its sides in a fury. Junk begins to pile up everywhere.  
  
Mihoshi: Oh! Where did I put those flashcards????  
  
Duo: Next!  
  
Crystal: Next!  
  
Sage: But. . . but . . .  
  
Receives an evil glare from Crystal and Duo.  
  
Sage: Fine. Next!  
  
Mihoshi and junk leave stage. Enter Chi-chi.  
  
Chi-chi: I don't sing, I don't dance, I don't act, I don't do adventures, I don't help strangers, I don't kill the bad guys, I don't get beaten up, I don't talk quietly. . . .  
  
Crystal: Next!  
  
Duo: Next!  
  
Sage: Next!  
  
Chi-chi leaves, mumbling about morons. Enter Sailor Mars, a.k.a. Raye.  
  
Raye: Hiya! I'm Raye, also known as Sailor Mars! I'd love this job because I want to be a . . .  
  
She falls to one knee and throws her arms to the side.  
  
Raye: . . . SUPERSTAR!!! Crystal: Next!  
  
Duo: What?  
  
Sage: Maybe!  
  
Crystal: 2 to 1, damn.  
  
Raye: Yes! I made the finals!  
  
She leaves, a blond girl walks in followed by five men in blue.  
  
Relena: Hello, as Relena Peacecraft, I . . . .  
  
Crystal: Next!  
  
Sage: Shouldn't you be in jail?  
  
Duo jumps on his chair.  
  
Duo: Psycho! Leave now!  
  
He makes an X with his fingers and places that in front of him.  
  
Duo: Away. . . . slowly. . . away. . .  
  
Relena storms back to jail, escorted by five officers.  
  
Crystal: Next!  
  
Sage: Next!  
  
Duo: Thank you god!  
  
Kiyone walks in.  
  
Kiyone: Hi. I'm Kiyone. I want. . . .  
  
Crystal: In!  
  
Duo: Duo.  
  
Sage: Same here.  
  
SEMI-FINALS  
  
Crystal: First task is to blast this plate.  
  
She throws the plate into the air.  
  
Raye: Mars Fire. . . . huh?  
  
Kiyone: Beat you. My gun's faster than your attack!  
  
She blows the steam from her gun before expertly flipping it into her holster.  
  
Raye-0 Kiyone-1  
  
Duo: Ok. Whoever can do my braid in the fastest time in near perfect condition will get my point.  
  
Raye: Piece of cake. Care to go first?  
  
Kiyone: Fine.  
  
She finishes fifteen minutes and fifty-five seconds later.  
  
Duo: Ok. Raye, your turn.  
  
Raye: Easy point.  
  
She finishes in five seconds.  
  
Duo: New record!  
  
Raye-1 Kiyone-1  
  
Sage: My task is simple. Each of you have to go on a date with me!  
  
Both: Ok.  
  
Later. . .  
  
Sage: I'd like to announce the winner. The winner is Kiyone because she showed me that cops do know more than sailors.  
  
Later still. . . .  
  
Amy: Little to the left. . .  
She coughs as Rowen and Quatre move the large, heavy object left.  
  
Amy: . . . little more. . . . oops. . .  
  
She as a fit of coughs as the boys drop the object.  
  
Amy: Sorry. It needs to be a little more to the right. Little more. . . . no, that's too much.  
  
Rowen: How did we get mixed up with this anyway?  
  
Quatre: Yeah, Amy, this is your 77" tv, you should be the one dragging it into your bedroom. . .  
  
She sneezes.  
  
Amy: Hey, can't help it that I'm sick. And I wanna watch the awards now that the cable's fixed. Besides, at least you got to see the house above the stage.  
  
She sneezes.  
  
Amy: Stop! Perfect!  
  
Rowen: Finally!  
  
Quatre: No problem.  
  
Rowen: Well, we better get going before we get sick. . .  
  
Quatre: Bye!  
  
On stage. . .  
  
Crystal: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. . .  
  
Kiyone: . . . and Anime lovers everywhere, we're back!  
  
Crystal: And here are your hosts, Duo Maxwell and Sage Date!  
  
Duo: Thank you, girls.  
  
Sage: Kiyone is subbing for Amy because she's sick.  
  
Duo: Cuz you know what they say, the show must go on! And the presenters are Kiyone and Crystal, ironic isn't it?  
  
Crystal: Hi again! Ok. Kiyone, time to present.  
  
Kiyone smiles and plays with her hands.  
  
Kiyone: Oh, right. . . .  
  
Crystal: Is something wrong?  
  
Kiyone: Er. . . . no, no, not at all. . . . just nervous, I guess. . .  
  
Crystal: Ok. Go ahead.  
  
Kiyone: Every year an anime character delights and enchants the tv.  
  
Crystal: So, without further ado, the nominees for the Award of Merit are  
Goku  
Michelle  
Washu  
Kiyone  
Zechs Merquise  
Kero  
  
Kiyone: And the winner is Zechs Merquise!  
  
Crystal: Unfortunately, he is not here with us tonight – well, last we heard, he was cruising around space – but we accept this award on his behalf.  
  
Crystal: We'll be right – after these messages!  
  
A sickly figure wobbles on stage.  
  
Amy: Urrr. . . .  
  
Crystal: What? Amy shouldn't be out of bed.  
  
Amy: Something's after me!  
  
Crystal: You probably had a nightmare. Kiyone would you. . . . Kiyone? Where'd she go? Oh well. . .  
  
Amy shakes her head vigorously.  
  
Amy: No, it wasn't a dream, it was real!  
  
Crystal: Come on, Amy. When your sick, your mind is confused more easily. Amy: No. . . I know, but–  
  
Crystal: That's enough, come on, just be. . . what was that?  
  
Loud engines roar above the stage.  
  
Amy: Now do you believe me?  
  
The lights go out.  
  
Girls: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Lights go on, girls are gone.  
  
Duo: Amy? Crystal?  
  
Sage: Looks like another adventure to me. Where to begin?  
  
COMMERCIAL 


	10. Part Ten

Duo: Ok, that was very weird.  
  
Sage: No kidding.  
  
Duo: So. . . . how do we find them?  
  
Sage: Not sure. . . .  
  
Duo: Ok. . . . .  
  
Sage: You've got an idea?  
  
Duo: No, you?  
  
Sage: Still thinking.  
  
Voice: I have one.  
  
Sage: Did you say something, Duo?  
  
Duo: No. . . . did you?  
  
Sage: No . . . .  
  
Voice: I'm right here.  
They turn around to see Heero walking towards them, completely healed.  
  
Heero: Thank you. I have an idea of how to find them.  
  
Duo acts overly concerned.  
  
Duo: Oh, hi Heero. Out of the hospital? Great to see ya! No card, no note, you didn't even sign out! What if you gotten hurt? I had no idea if you were ok. . .  
  
Sage: Shut up.  
  
Heero: You sound like Relena.  
  
Duo: Perish the thought.  
  
Sage: You said you had an idea?  
  
Heero: A matter transporter.  
  
Duo: Let's go!  
  
Voice: Hold it, Heero. Aren't you going to tell them the risks?  
  
Duo and Sage turn to see a man walking towards them. He is looking very sternly at Heero.  
  
Heero: Stay out of this, Zechs.  
  
Zechs: No way. I missed out last time. I'm not missing out again.  
  
Heero: Hmmm. . . .  
  
Zechs: What did he say?  
  
Duo: I think that was Heeronese for fine, follow me.  
  
Heero: One of these days, Duo, one of these days.  
  
In a cell far, far, away . . . .  
  
Crystal: Will you stop sneezing!  
  
Amy's cold has gotten worse, she sounds congested.  
  
Amy: I can't! ACHOO!!! I'm sick – ACHOO!!! – remember? Crystal: Still?  
  
Amy: I can't! ACHOO!!!  
  
Crystal: Never mind. Besides, this isn't so bad.  
  
Amy jumps on top of a bed in the cell.  
  
Amy: ACHOO!!! RATS!!! ACHOO!!!  
  
Crystal: Huh?  
  
Something furry rubs against her leg. She jumps onto the other bed.  
  
Crystal: AHH!!! A STUART!!! Me and my big mouth. . . .  
  
In the secret, evil lair of the unknown villain. . . .  
  
Kiyone: I did as you said, sir! No mistakes, sir!  
  
Evil Person: Good job, man.  
  
Kiyone: What next, sir?  
  
Evil Person: We'll see. . . hehehe. . . . we'll see.  
  
Kiyone: Sir!  
  
She stands in salute. Evil Person looks at her strangely.  
  
Evil Person: Don't have a cow, man. Go away!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Amy: ACHOO!!! I can't seem to stop – ACHOO!!! – sneezing. . .  
  
Crystal: It's driving me insane!  
  
Amy: Can I – ACHOO!!! – help it? NO! I hate this!  
  
Crystal: Sorry. Where did that yucky mouse go?  
  
Amy: I dunno. . . ACHOO!!! I thought it was kinda cute. . .  
  
Crystal: What? You're kidding, right? Amy: No. . . hey, you're the one who gave it a name, remember? So, I'm not the only – ACHOO!!! – weirdo.  
  
Crystal: Oh, that. . . well. . . um. . .  
  
Amy: Forget it. The only thing we should worry – ACHOO!!! – about is where we are. . .  
  
Crystal: Right, and how to get home.  
  
Amy: Yep.  
  
Crystal: Let's go then!  
  
Amy: Wait! I can't leave without my Kleenex and trash can!  
  
Crystal shakes her head in frustration as Amy puts the box under one arm and the trash can under the other.  
  
Back on stage. . .  
  
Heero: . . . and that's how the matter transporter works.  
  
Duo: Huh?  
  
Sage: Sounds kind of dangerous.  
  
Heero: Not really . . .  
  
Zechs glares at Heero evilly.  
  
Heero: All right. It's not dangerous except for. . .  
  
Duo: I knew there was a but. There's always a but!  
  
Sage: Nothing's perfect.  
  
Zechs: Go on, Heero.  
  
Heero: Hmmm. . . well, if we're not careful, we can get stuck in another dimension.  
  
Duo: What do you mean, not careful?  
  
Zechs: He means that you just can' t teleport anywhere and search for your friends. You have to know what your facing so you have an idea where to look. If you waste time in a random place, your friends could die or the dimension door could close forever. Sage: Ok. . . can you say that again?  
  
Heero: Sure. . . 3 words: TIME IS IMPORTANT!  
  
Sage: Ok. . geez. . . no wonder you don't have many friends. . . . er. . . uh, never mind. . .  
  
Duo: So. . . where do we begin? You said you had an idea.  
  
Heero: Hmm. . . well I didn't say I totally had a n idea, but the machine requires something of what your looking for in order to narrow your search to a 100-mile radius. . . So I figured one of you had something of theirs.  
  
Everyone looks at Sage.  
  
Sage: What? I don't have anything. . . honest. . .  
  
Duo: Why would we have anything of theirs, anyway? Now what?  
  
Heero: Hmm. . .  
  
Heero begins to walk away.  
  
Zechs: Huh?  
  
Duo: Where do you think you're going?  
  
Heero: To find something of theirs.  
  
He points to the rafters.  
  
Duo: Up there? Yes! An excuse to go up there! Let's go!  
  
Sage: Wait! I think Zechs has something. . .  
  
Duo: What did he find?  
  
Everyone crowds around Zechs and looks at he closed hand.  
  
Zechs: I found these in the crack of the stage.  
  
He opens his hand.  
  
Sage: It's Amy and Crystal's Director Power up wands!  
  
Duo: Great! Heero, will these work? Heero: It might, but this means that wherever they are, they're defenseless. . .  
  
Sage: Just peachy. . .  
  
Back in the place outside the cell that's far, far away. . .  
  
Amy sits on the ground, exhausted.  
  
Amy: All this walking – ACHOO!!! – isn't getting us anywhere.  
  
Crystal joins her.  
  
Crystal: Yeah, for miles and miles, there's nothing but sand. . . and this sun is too hot. . .what happened to that comfy bed?  
  
Amy: I wish I knew. . . probably a mile from where we're sitting. I wonder if the guys are nearby?  
  
Crystal: Yeah, where are they? I wanna go home. . . um. . . Amy?  
  
Amy looks at Crystal who looks worried.  
  
Amy: ACHOO!!! What?  
  
Crystal: Don't look down.  
  
Amy: Why?  
  
Crystal: Just don't.  
  
Amy looks down.  
  
Amy: Uh, Crystal. . .  
  
Crystal: Yeah?  
  
Amy: I just looked. . .  
  
Amy and Crystal begin to fall. . .  
  
Amy: . . . doooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!  
  
Amy and Crystal: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Crystal: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore! Amy: We were in Kansas???  
  
Crystal: LOOK!!!  
  
Amy: A light at the end of the tunnel!  
  
Crystal: My money's on a hard landing!  
  
Amy: AHHH– um, we stopped. . .  
  
Crystal: An inch from the ground!  
  
Amy: And we're alive. . . and. . . ahaha. . . that's such a good – ACHOO!!! – look on you! Open your eyes!  
  
Crystal: By the way your laughing, I don't think I want to.  
  
Amy: Oh come on! Fine then! Can I have my trash can and Kleenex back? ACHOO!!! I need to blow my nose.  
  
Crystal: What? I don't have your trash can or your . . .  
  
Crystal opens her eyes.  
  
Crystal: AH! Why is it so dark in here?  
  
Amy: Well, if you would ever so kindly remove your foot from my Kleenex box and take my trash can off your head, you might be able to see!  
  
Crystal: Oh. . .  
  
Removes the Kleenex box from her foot and takes the trash can off her head. She then removes the dirty Kleenex from her hair.  
  
Crystal: Eww. . . now I'll get sick for sure . . .  
  
Amy: Great, now that that's taken care of, where are we? I've got this sinking feeling we're being watched. . .  
  
Crystal: I don't know about being watched, but we're in a maze of some sort. .  
  
In the secret, evil lair of the unknown villain. . . .  
  
Kiyone: Mission accomplished, sir. They're in the maze of horrors, sir. Evil Person: Good, good.  
  
Kiyone: And I'm guessing you have plans for them, sir?  
  
Evil Person: Of course. They will eventually come here, but first I thought we could have some fun with them. . . hehehe. . .  
  
Kiyone: Excellent, sir. But why do you look so sad?  
  
Evil Person: That Yuy kid and his Scooby gang bother me. They're figuring out everything too fast!  
  
Kiyone: What do we do?  
  
Evil Person: Duh, we send someone out to delay them!  
  
Kiyone: Me?  
  
Evil Person: You've done plenty. I have the perfect man for the job. Bwahahahahaha!!!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Part Seven  
  
Duo: Ok. So we just stand on these white circles?  
  
Heero: Yes.  
  
Sage: We just stand here?  
  
Zechs: That's what he said.  
  
Heero: I can handle this mission by myself.  
  
Zechs: Cannot!  
  
Heero: Can to!  
  
Zechs: Cannot!  
  
Heero: Can to!  
  
Sage: Do they always fight like this?  
  
Duo sighs and nods his head. He then yells above the voices of the arguing soldiers.  
  
Duo: STOP FIGHTING!!! Thank you. We have girls to save, ya know.  
  
Zechs: Girls?  
  
Heero: Dorothy.  
  
Zechs: WHAT??? Dorothy? Why would you save her? She nearly killed your girlfriend.  
  
Heero: Relena's not my girlfriend!  
  
Zechs: You deny it because it's true!  
  
Heero: It's not!  
  
Zechs: It is!  
  
Heero: It's not!  
  
Zechs: It is!  
  
Duo: GUYS!!!! CAN WE GET GOING!!! Zechs and Heero: Hmph.  
  
Everyone stands on a white circle.  
  
Heero: Here we go.  
  
He pushes the button and they disappear.  
  
Sage: Where are we?  
  
The lights flicker on.  
  
All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
A fat, yellow man is sleeping on a red sofa, snoring loudly.  
  
Duo: He does exist!  
  
Sage: I thought he was a paper and pencil comedy myth. I didn't think the guy was real and spent his free time sleeping in front of the tv!  
  
The man mutters in a dreamlike state.  
  
Man: Bbs. . . . . Butterfingers. . . . . must have. . . . .  
  
Heero angrily whispers to everyone.  
  
Heero: Shh. . . would you guys keep it down, you'll wake him up like you almost did screaming your heads off. . .  
  
Zechs looks at him angrily before retorting in a whisper.  
  
Zechs: Well, excuse me, Heero. You were screaming just as loud as the rest of us!  
  
Heero: Well, hey, I don't need you tagging along if your going to criticize me every five minutes!  
  
Zechs: Just stating a fact. . .  
  
Heero: Hmmm. . . .  
  
Duo, sick and tired of the arguing, yells at them.  
  
Duo: WOULD YOU TWO JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP FIGHTING! Sage: Uh-oh. . . . I think you did it this time, Duo!  
  
The man stops snoring and his eyes slowly open.  
  
Man: Uh. . . .  
  
All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Man: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
He jumps behind the red sofa. Everyone else is stunned at his cowardice. From his 'hiding spot', the man pulls out a mini computer.  
  
Man: Bart! Come in! I need help! What am I supposed to do???  
  
Bart: Duh, Homer. Don't have a cow. Look at the script!  
  
Duo: What's he doing?  
  
Zechs: Why don't you go see for yourself?  
  
Duo: No way!  
  
Homer: Oh yeah!  
  
He pulls out a script and flips to the current scene.  
  
Homer: Hmm. . . Let's see. I'm supposed to duck under the couch. Ducking, ducking. Now, what? I gotta face them? EEK! Bb master, please, help me!  
  
Bart: Come on, Homer. Do what the script says.  
  
Homer: D'oh!  
  
Bart: Fine. I'll make you a deal. Bring me the four of them and I'll. . . .  
  
Homer: But. . . .but. . . the brown haired spandex one and the whitish- haired tall guy scare me!  
  
Bart: Hear me out before you interrupt! If you capture them, I'll. . . I'll give you a bag of Butterfinger Bb's. Ok?  
  
Homer: Bb's?  
  
He goes into a zombie like state. Homer: Bb's. . . . must get Bb's. . . .  
  
He starts walking toward them.  
  
Sage: He's heading this way!  
  
Duo: Great! How do we stall him until we can get out of here?  
  
Heero: Hmmm. . .  
  
Zechs: Any ideas, Heero?  
  
Heero: Hmmm. . .  
  
Duo: We're all gonna die!!  
  
Sage: Shut-up.  
  
Zechs: Stop saying 'hmm' and tell us what you're thinking before pudgy there zombie-struts over here. . .  
  
Heero: I can't think of anything!  
  
Zechs: Maybe you're just losing your touch. . .  
  
Heero: Hmmm . . .  
  
Sage: Maybe. . . we. . . we could throw him some of this food to occupy him. . . while someone can come up with a way out of here. . .  
  
Duo: Sounds good to me.  
  
He picks up a chicken leg.  
  
Duo: Here, Homer. Would like some nice, juicy, crispy, chicken?  
  
He throws the leg and a wing at him.  
  
Duo: Take that! Now, Heero. How can we get out of here?  
  
Heero: Hmmm. . .  
  
He pulls out a small laptop.  
  
Heero: Give me five minutes and I think I can work something out. In the meantime, keep Homer busy and try getting some information out of him.  
  
Sage: Ok. Duo, hand me some of that chicken quick. He's finished what you gave him!  
  
Duo: Hey, gee wiz! He's hungry. It's like he's eating for an entire family!  
  
He throws him some more chicken.  
  
Sage: Ok. While he's temporarily occupied. . . let's try questioning him.  
  
Zechs: Right. Ok, tell us what we want to know. Just give us the basic information. Who is behind all of this?  
  
Homer: Munch. . . . . munch. . . . munch  
  
Zechs: Where are Amy and Crystal?  
  
Homer: Munch. . . . . munch. . . . munch  
  
Zechs: Answer me!  
  
He tries to rip the chicken away from Homer.  
  
Zechs: Ow! He bit my hand! It's going to be impossible to get anything out of him.  
  
Sage: Uh, Duo.  
  
Homer: Bb's. . . .  
  
Sage: He's out of chicken.  
  
Duo: Then we have a problem.  
  
Heero: Why?  
  
Duo: Cuz we're out of chicken!  
  
Zechs: What???  
  
Sage: Well, think of something, fast! Here he comes!  
  
Duo: Sage, Zechs, grab some ammo!  
  
He points to bowls of pretzels and chips, while he grabs a bowl of Cheetos.  
  
Duo: Throw!  
  
Zechs: Heero, how much longer!  
  
Heero: Almost. . . . just a little longer. . . .  
  
Zechs: Hurry up! We're running out of food!  
  
Heero: Well, you can't exactly rush this!  
  
Zechs: Well, hurry up!  
  
Duo: Guys. . . .  
  
Sage: What?  
  
Duo: We are totally OUT OF FOOD!!!  
  
Sage: Is he a bottomless pit or what?? What are we gonna do? Heero. . . .  
  
Heero: Two more minutes. . .  
  
Duo: Two more minutes??? And how are we gonna hold him off for two more minutes??? HUH???? With what???  
  
Zechs: Stop complaining and arm yourself with . . . .  
  
Heero: Done.  
  
Sage: How will we keep him from crossing through the doorway?  
  
Zechs: I'll stay and stop him.  
  
Duo: And how do you plan on doing that?  
  
Zechs: I'll think of something! Just go!  
  
Heero: You heard him. Let's go!  
  
Zechs: See you on the other side.  
  
Back on stage. . .  
  
Boys: AHHHH!!!!  
  
They land on the floor with a thud.  
  
Duo: Hi everyone. . . . owww . . . .  
  
Sage: He's worse than Kento!  
  
Heero: Well, it's over for now. So let's close the portal.  
  
Sage: But what about. . . er. . .  
  
Heero gives him a glare.  
  
Heero: What's done is done. . . . huh? Someone is coming through!  
  
Duo: Better not be Homer!  
  
Zechs: AHHH!!!! Owww. . . That was some adventure. Thanks for not closing the portal on me, Heero.  
  
Heero: Back to the drawling board.  
  
Duo: Huh?  
  
Heero: My guess is that whoever is behind this cracked the frequency on the mass transporter and sent us purposely out of the target range area.  
  
Duo: Huh, how do you know that?  
  
Zechs: He's right. The machine shows us 103 miles away from the target range of 100 miles, so we were 203 miles away.  
  
Sage: That's bad . . . .  
  
In the secret, evil lair of the now known villain. . . .  
  
Bart: Well, what do you have to say for yourself?  
  
Homer: Bb's?  
  
Bart: What? Ha! Of course you can. . . the bag is on that table over there!  
  
Homer: Bb's!!!  
  
He runs to the table and picks up the bag and holds it above his opened mouth. Nothing falls out.  
  
Homer: What? It's empty!  
  
Bart: Duh, nobody lays a finger on my Butterfinger Bb's.  
  
Homer: NO!!!  
  
He runs out of the room to find some donuts.  
  
Bart: Dismissed? Kiyone!  
  
Kiyone: Yes, sir?  
  
Bart: Your thoughts?  
  
Kiyone: They're farther away?  
  
Bart: It's so hard to find good help these days. . .  
  
Kiyone: Now what?  
  
Bart: Don't worry, the fun is just beginning.  
  
COMMERCIAL 


	11. Part Eleven

Amy: This place looks oddly familiar.  
  
Crystal: Yeah. . . like we've seen it before. . . . of course!!! The Simpsons! It all makes sense!  
  
Amy: What does?  
  
Crystal: What happened!  
  
Amy: 'splain.  
  
Crystal: Here's my theory. Bart was upset that Toonami was stealing his audience so he devises a plan to kill us all. First he used Mia and Hirde, then Relena and now Kiyone. But the thing with Relena was really Kiyone. Remember how she just appeared out of nowhere, but I think she was just under mind control.  
  
Amy thinks about this and scratches her head.  
  
Amy: I'm confused. Run that by me again. Crystal: Ok . . .  
  
A shadow appears on the wall, moving closer. They hear a deep, diabolical laughter with a heavy Scottish accent.  
  
Crystal: What's that?  
  
Man in a Kilt: Y'all need to run from me axe, ya hear! And no kilt jokes!  
  
The man in a kilt raises the axe above his head, prepared to strike.  
  
Amy and Crystal: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Amy: Ok. We're in a maze, so go left!  
  
They run down the left lane, dodging axe swings as they go. Amy takes the lead in yelling directions.  
  
Amy: Left! No, not straight, left!  
  
Crystal follows Amy's directions until they end up in a dead end.  
  
Crystal: Aha! You're the mole!  
  
Amy: What?  
  
Man in a Kilt: Y'all stop running and face your doom.  
  
Amy: AHHHHH!!!!  
  
Crystal: Hurry!  
  
They run around him as he swings and misses.  
  
Crystal: Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Left! Right! Right! Left! Right! Left! AHH!! Stop!!  
  
Amy doesn't hear her and crashes into her, stumbling backwards.  
  
Amy: What now? Huh? AHH!!!  
  
Skinner: Detention!  
  
He has yellow detention slips that are as sharp as knives. He throws several at them.  
  
Skinner: Detention! Detention!!  
  
Man in a Kilt: No kilt jokes! No kilt jokes!  
  
Crystal: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Amy: WHERE THE HELL ARE THE GUYS???  
  
Back on stage. . .  
  
Duo: There's the signal! Let's move on out!  
  
Sage: Hurry up!  
  
Heero: Leaving in 5. . . . 4 . . . . 3 . . . . .2. . . .  
  
Zechs: Wait for me!  
  
Heero waits impatiently as Zechs runs onto a little white light.  
  
Heero: Hmmm . . . . 1!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Amy: AHHH!!!!! They're gaining on us!!!  
  
Man in a Kilt: Run from me axe, run from me axe, but no kilt jokes! Ahahahah!!!  
  
Crystal: Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left!  
  
They stop to catch their breath.  
  
Crystal: I. . . don't. . . think. . . there is a. . . . way. . . . out of here! AHHH!!!!  
  
Skinner: Detention! Hold it right there, girls! You need to be punished! Stop or your punishment will be worse!  
  
Amy: Don't stop!  
  
Crystal: No really? Huh? Hey, Amy, stop.  
  
Amy: Why?  
  
Crystal: They've disappeared!  
  
Amy: ACHOO!!! Dang it. . . . that's odd . . .  
  
Crystal: Yeah, they were right behind us a second ago. . .  
  
Amy: Um, Crystal, either this place is undergoing a total eclipse or it's getting dark. . .  
  
Crystal: Weird. . . . AHH!!! Jump!  
  
Two figures fall from above.  
  
Skinner: Aha! Thought you could get away from us? I don't think so! It's time you were disciplined!  
  
He starts throwing knives at Amy. Amy dodges.  
  
Amy: A little help here!  
  
Man in a Kilt: Bwahahahahah!!!!  
  
The man in a kilt is swinging his axe at Crystal, who is dodging the blows.  
  
Crystal: I've got problems of my own!  
  
Amy: What now? Stay and get massacred?  
  
Crystal: No! You run that-a-way and I'll run this-a-way!  
  
Amy: But, shouldn't we stay together?  
  
Crystal: Let's loose these guys and hope to meet up later!  
  
Amy: Ok. . . hey Skinner, meet trash can!  
  
She throws the trash can on his head.  
  
Skinner: Why you. . . .  
  
He steps in Kleenex.  
  
Skinner: I'm warning you!  
  
Amy: AHHH!!!!  
  
She starts running and Skinner follows after throwing the trash can to the side.  
  
Man in a Kilt: Come back here!  
  
He starts chasing Crystal, swinging his axe madly.  
  
Crystal: No way! You'll have to catch me first!  
  
In the secret, evil lair of Bart Simpson. . . .  
  
Bart: Ahahahahah!!!  
  
Kiyone: What's so funny?  
  
Bart: Everything is working according to plan.  
  
Kiyone: Really? But where are Amy and Crystal?  
  
Bart: We'll meet face to face soon, but Man in a Kilt and Skinner have managed to separate them.  
  
Kiyone: Excellent! Where are those annoying rescuers anyway?  
  
Bart: Don't worry. We won't have to worry about them anymore.  
  
Kiyone: Why?  
  
Bart: They're going to meet a few friends of mine. . . Bwahahahaha!!!!!  
  
In another place. . .  
  
Sage: Something isn't right.  
  
Duo: Yeah, where are we?  
  
Zechs: Heero, your looking kinda pale.  
  
Heero: This isn't good.  
  
Zechs: Why???  
  
Heero: Everything is black and white!  
  
COMMERCIAL Zechs: Why are we in black and white?  
  
Sage: Look, the world is full of color over there!  
  
Duo: Freaky. . . . I wonder. . . .  
  
Heero: What are you thinking?  
  
Duo: I. . . huh?  
  
Loud, Booming Voice: Ladies and Gentlemen. . . .  
  
Zechs: Who said that?  
  
Loud, Booming Voice: Itchy and Scratchy!  
  
Duo's eyes go very big and glossy as he jumps up and down like a hyper kid.  
  
Duo: Where? Where? Where?  
  
Itchy: Here we are, boys and girls.  
  
Scratchy: Meow.  
  
Loud, Booming Voice: Today's episode is KABOOM!!!  
  
Sage: Duo, who is the mouse and cat?  
  
Duo stands straight and impersonates Washu.  
  
Duo: Only the most famous and funniest cat and mouse duo in the entire world! Itchy, the talking mouse, always tries to kill Scratchy, the cat, but never does. I like to think of it as a really sick and violent version of the Road Runner. Besides, this show only airs in the Simpsons universe.  
  
Zechs: That's great and all, but Mickey is point a gun straight at us!  
  
Heero: Hmmm. . . .  
  
Heero reaches for his gun, only to find it missing.  
  
Heero: Damn.  
  
Sage: Run!!!  
  
Duo: What for??  
  
Loud, Booming Voice: Itchy then attacked Scratchy with a 500 caliber automatic riffle!  
  
Scratchy: Meow?  
  
Itchy: Take this, Kitty!  
  
All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Meanwhile, outside the tv. . .  
  
Lisa: Where is Bart? He never misses an episode. Huh? Who's on the screen?  
  
Her eyes widen.  
  
Lisa: It's him! Itchy, no! Where's that remote?  
  
She finds the remote and presses eject.  
  
All: AHHHHHHHH . . . . . ow. . . . WE'RE ALIVE!!!  
  
Zechs: In color!  
  
Sage: Safe!  
  
Duo is looking at the screen with tears running down his face.  
  
Duo: Why, Itchy, why????  
  
Heero: Grow up.  
  
Lisa: You're real!!! You're really real!!! Wow! That's so cool!! I just love you!  
  
She runs right past Sage and hugs Heero.  
  
Heero: Not again.  
  
Zechs: Gee, Heero, aren't we the ladies man?  
  
Sage: That's my job!  
  
Duo: Lisa, where's Bart?  
  
Lisa: In his evil land trying to kill you all and he even wanted to kill Heero. Imagine! I refused to help him.  
  
Heero looks down and sighs, thinking about having two psycho girls after him.  
  
Zechs: Ok then. Help us out, will you? Where is the lab?  
  
Lisa: I don't know.  
  
Duo: Where is the lab?  
  
Lisa: Couldn't say.  
  
Sage: Where is the lab?  
  
Lisa: Wouldn't tell you!  
  
Heero realizes that she will only listen to him.  
  
Heero: Where is the lab?  
  
Lisa: I'm so glad you asked!  
  
Heero: Can you take us there?  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Amy: I've gotta keep running! ACHOO!!! The cold seems to be getting better. Nothing like a little exercise to clear things right up! AHH!!  
  
Skinner: Ahahaha! You cannot escape!  
  
Elsewhere. . .  
  
Crystal: Damn, another dead end. How much longer? I don't think I can run anymore!  
  
Man in a Kilt: I see that your tiring. . . . aw, well you might as well stop running altogether and prepare to meet your doom.  
  
He swings the axe and Crystal dodges and keeps running.  
  
Crystal: Legs, don't fail me now!  
  
In the Simpson household. . .  
  
Lisa: Um. . . well, that's not part of the plan . . .  
  
Heero: Plan? Wait a minute. . . .  
  
Lisa: Did I say plan? I ment play. . . see we're in a play orchestrated by two teenage girls. . . and . . . and . . . I'm not really supposed to take you anywhere. It's in the script they wrote!  
  
Duo: Yeah right. We're just some made up characters that two girls are messing around with and sending on weird adventures. . . right, do you think I was born yesterday?  
  
Sage: What's that on her dress?  
  
Zechs: And in her hair. . .  
  
Duo and Zechs start advancing.  
  
Lisa: No . . . I . . . don't!!  
  
Duo: Hold still. . .  
  
Lisa: I'm warning you. . . .  
  
Duo pulls the pin off of her dress. It's shaped like a big B.  
  
Lisa: Self destruct sequence in 5. . . . 4 . . . . 3 . . . 2 . . .  
  
Zechs: Hit the deck!  
  
Lisa: 1. . .  
  
Lisa explodes.  
  
Sage: Is everyone ok?  
  
Duo: Yeah, but my ego isn't. . .  
  
Zechs: At least the transporter is still in one piece.  
  
Heero: Hmm . . . one less to worry about.  
  
In the secret, evil lair of Bart Simpson. . . .  
  
Kiyone: Well, that didn't go well . . . .  
  
Bart: Hmmm . . . .  
  
Kiyone: Next time, you should use a real person to blow up the machine.  
  
Bart: Couldn't.  
  
Kiyone: Why not?  
  
Bart: Because that would be suicide and too gory for a Y7 show and Lisa wouldn't do it.  
  
Kiyone: Now what?  
  
COMMERCIAL 


	12. Part Twelve

Man in a Kilt: No kilt jokes! We're not gay, honest to me heart! Now die, you mongrel!  
  
Crystal: Hey, I never called you gay! And I'm tired of these games!  
  
She high kicks the axe out of his hands, which flips in the air before landing on his head. The man in a kilt falls to the floor.  
  
Man in a Kilt: I'm ok. Really. Just get me a scotch, lassie?  
  
Crystal: Hell no. Now, where did Amy go?  
  
She grabs the axe from the now dead man in a kilt.  
  
Elsewhere. . .  
  
Amy: Why are you throwing yellow detention slip daggers at me?  
  
Skinner: Because it's fun! Now die! Ack!  
  
Amy stares at him with a raised eyebrow.  
  
Amy: Ack?  
  
Skinner: Dear Mary, I'm bleeding! Eck!  
  
Amy: I'm confused.  
  
Skinner falls to the floor, dead.  
  
Amy: All right, whodunit? Crystal: I did, in the maze, with the axe.  
  
Amy: You killed Mr. Body? I thought Mr. Green did. . .  
  
Crystal: He did! I killed Mr. Skinner.  
  
Amy: Don't you feel bad?  
  
Crystal: Nah, they always come back to life anyway.  
  
Amy: Then what are we waiting for?  
  
Crystal: Nothing. Let's go!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Amy: Well then, let's get going before he comes back to life.  
  
Crystal: Right, we'll go this way since we haven't gone this way yet.  
  
Amy: No.  
  
Crystal: No? What do you mean, no?  
  
Amy: I mean I think we were split up for a reason, like we were getting to close to the exit. So . . .  
  
Crystal: . . . if we go back then we'll find the way out of here!  
  
Amy: Exactly.  
  
They return to where they originally split up. There is a huge sign on a door that says "Bart's Secret Evil Lair – Do not Enter!!"  
  
Amy: Do not enter? Please, like that's gonna stop us. Should we open i t?  
  
Crystal: Let's!  
  
They open the door only to find a long, long staircase.  
  
Amy: Do you think they lead to Bart?  
  
Crystal: Only one way to find out!  
  
Back on stage . . .  
  
Zechs: Well, well, Heero. Two strikes. Not living up to your reputation. . . this isn't like you. . .  
  
Duo: Shut up, Zechs. At least he's doing something productive.  
  
Heero: Ok. I think I have it now!  
  
Sage: Ok, then here we come, girls!  
  
He and Duo step through the portal.  
  
Zechs: Hey, Heero. Three strikes, and your out . . . . hehe  
  
He steps through.  
  
Heero: I really wished he would have stayed lost in space. . .  
  
He steps through.  
  
Duo: Sage? You still here?  
  
Sage: Yeah, I'm right next to you.  
  
Zechs: Well, you can't see past your nose.  
  
Duo: It's too dark!  
  
Zechs: Aww. . . is the great destroyer afraid of the dark? Hahahaha!  
  
There's a large 'thud'.  
  
Zechs: Heero, I believe this would be strike three.  
  
Heero: Don't count on it, Zechs.  
  
As the girls climb the stairs, Crystal reads the signs as they pass.  
  
Crystal: Stop now. . . I mean it. . . go away. . . . turn back now. . . really. . . . don't open this door. . . finally, the top! I thought we'd never get here.  
  
Amy: 453. . .  
  
Crystal: What? You counted?  
  
Amy: So?  
  
Crystal: I think Skinner did something to your brain. . .  
  
Amy: Whatever. Look, do we knock?  
  
Crystal: Now what kind of entrance is that?  
  
She kicks open the door.  
  
Amy: Don't be another trap. . .  
  
Crystal: Sure is dark in here.  
  
A click is heard.  
  
Amy: Did you hear that?  
  
Crystal feels behind her.  
  
Crystal: Damn! The door's locked behind us!  
  
Suddenly the lights glare on.  
  
Amy: We're not alone. . . .  
  
Bart: Now that we're face to face, let the games begin . . .  
  
Sage and Duo: Crystal!!!! Amy!!!!  
  
Zechs: Well, I guess your not losing your touch after all. . .  
  
Heero smiles, but just barely.  
  
COMMERCIAL Part Eight  
  
Bart: Bwhahahaha!! I have you all now. . . . hey! Why aren't you listening to me!  
  
Everyone is too preoccupied with talking to each other to notice Bart.  
  
Crystal: What took you guys so long?  
  
Bart: Hello??  
  
Amy: Yeah! We nearly died!  
  
Bart: I won!  
  
Zechs: Don't look at me, it's Heero's fault.  
  
Bart: Don't you care?  
  
Heero: I'm not blond.  
  
Bart: Are you guys deaf or something?  
  
Sage: I protest that!  
  
Bart: Ha! I guess they don't care that I'm about to take over the animated world!!  
  
Duo: Here, Amy! Crystal! I think you want these!  
  
Bart: Not those!  
  
All: SHUT UP BART!!  
  
Crystal: I love you guys!  
  
Amy: Whatever!  
  
Crystal: Ready?  
  
Amy: Let's rock and roll!  
  
They hold their wands up.  
  
Bart: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Crystal: Director 1 Crystal Power!  
  
Amy: Director 2 Crystal Power!  
  
They transform.  
  
Zechs: What the hell?  
  
Sage: Close your mouth.  
  
Duo: Aren't they the greatest?  
  
Amy: Ok. Bart, time for you to perish!  
  
Bart: Bwhahahaha!!!! Secret Weapon, come on out!  
  
Secret Weapon: No way!  
  
Bart: I'll give you a Butterfinger!  
  
Secret Weapon: No!  
  
Bart: Two Butterfingers?  
  
Secret Weapon: Nope.  
  
Bart: Fine. Twenty Butterfingers?  
  
Secret Weapon: Yeah!  
  
The secret weapon comes out and eats them all in one bite like a certain dog we know.  
  
All: KIYONE????  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Kiyone: Get ready to die!  
  
She reaches for her gun.  
  
Kiyone: Huh?  
  
Bart: What's the matter?!?  
  
Kiyone: My gun's not here. . . . must left it in my other pants. . . . no matter, I'll just summon the secret weapon!  
  
Zechs: Er. . . I thought you were the secret weapon. . .  
  
Kiyone: Oh yeah, I am!  
  
Sage: Geez, she reminds me more of Mihoshi everyday. . .  
  
Kiyone: I heard that! Sage, you're violating laws 5431 - 17 . . . .  
  
She blabs on and on as Sage talks in low tones to the others.  
  
Sage: I'm sorry I chose her to co-star. . . . now I've violated a life's worth of laws just because I said Mi. . . . the M word!  
  
Duo: I think it's kinda funny. . .  
  
Amy: She was my temporary replacement??? Now I've seen everything. . .  
  
Crystal: Yep.  
  
Heero: Sage, please shut her up!  
  
Sage: Right! Armor of Halo, Tao Chi!!  
  
He transforms.  
  
Kiyone: Huh? Oh, no you don't!  
  
She holds a remote and pushes a series of buttons. A giant magnet appears from behind a wall. Sage is stuck to the magnet and can't move.  
  
Sage: Hmph!  
  
Duo: Guess that rules out our Gundams. . .  
  
Heero: Hmmm. . . .  
  
Zechs: I hate feeling helpless. . .  
  
Kiyone: Ha! Four down, two to go! As a first class Galaxy Police Officer, I will follow through and subdue you all!  
  
Amy: She's cracked.  
  
Kiyone: Any last words?  
  
Crystal: Whatcha gonna do? You can't magnetize us - no metal here!  
  
Amy: Or freeze us - I'd block that in a second!  
  
Crystal: Or electrocute us - I have that area covered!  
  
Amy: You'd just be wasting our time!  
  
Kiyone: Um, well. . . .  
  
Amy: Kiyone, I am Director 2 of Ice and I see a cold future for you!  
  
Crystal: I'm Director 1 of Lightning and your attitude is shocking! But, in the name of anime lovers everywhere. . . .  
  
Amy: We shall punish you! And since I'm feeling better, your co-staring days are over!  
  
Crystal: Ready? On the count of three, don't hold anything back! Three!!!  
  
Amy: Two!!!  
  
Crystal: ONE!!!  
  
Amy: Director Yelling Megaphone!  
  
Heero: Crystal, catch!  
  
Heero tosses Crystal the Director Gun.  
  
Crystal: Director Firing Shot!  
  
She fires. A huge blast of smoke fills the area.  
  
Sage: I can't see anything!  
  
Duo: What happened?  
  
Crystal: Did my plan work?  
  
Zechs: Ha! Your plan didn't even work! Now what, you little hot-shot sailors . . . whatcha gonna do??  
  
Amy: Excuse me? Look around! The magnet's gone and. . . . well, see for yourself.  
  
Duo: But Kiyone's still there!  
  
Heero: I see. . .  
  
Sage: Bart's toast! But what about Kiyone?  
  
Crystal: Nice work, Kiyone. Your undercover work really came in handy!  
  
Kiyone: Thanks, but it's my job as a first class officer to do so.  
  
Zechs: She's on our side?  
  
Amy: I think there's a promotion in store for you! Are you sure you have enough information to convict him?  
  
Kiyone: Yes, going undercover helped. I can't believe he's been illegally selling Butterfingers to little kids for the past two years.  
  
Crystal: Never believe, or trust, anything until there's evidence.  
  
Sage: Well, I guess we'll just get out of your way so you can do your police officer thing.  
  
Bart: My poor Butterfingers! You ruined everything!  
  
Kiyone puts Bart in cuffs.  
  
Kiyone: You have the right to remain silent. . .  
  
They leave, Kiyone rambling his Miranda rights.  
  
Duo: Ok. Heero let's go home.  
  
Heero: Ok. Let's go.  
  
Amy: Home!  
  
Crystal: I'll be good to get home . . . I bet the audience is waiting for us. . .  
  
Sage: Let's see!  
  
Duo: What's that sticking out of your coat pocket, Zechs?  
  
Zechs: What?  
Kiyone walks in to thank them, and sees the yellow bar in Zechs' hand.  
  
Kiyone: Zechs, could you come down to the station for questioning?  
  
She grabs his arm and drags him out the door, his ranting getting quieter as he goes.  
  
Zechs: Huh? No, it's not mine! I'm innocent! I don't even like Butterfingers!!  
  
Sage: Now, let's move!  
  
Crystal, Duo, and Sage exit through the portal.  
  
Amy: I know that look, Heero. . . lemme guess . . . you framed Zechs.  
  
Heero: Yes, I found it on the floor and couldn't resist. . . he was getting on my nerves.  
  
Amy: Well, we better go.  
  
As they step through, they hear the applause of the audience.  
  
COMMERCIAL 


	13. Part Thirteen

Crystal: Ah, so glad to be back!  
  
Amy: Yes, we are! Now, we are going to honor the Best Actress.  
  
Sage: And to present. . .  
  
Duo: Not to our delight. . .  
  
All: Mihoshi!  
  
Mihoshi: Oh, wow! Gee, I guess I should go on now! Hi! I'm Mihoshi and I'm here to present. . . umm, something. Hold on, let me check my notes . . .  
  
She pulls out her pink cube and clicks it around several times until a card and envelope fall out.  
  
Mihoshi: Oh, here it is! The Best Actress nominees are  
The Inner Scouts  
Mia Koji  
Chi-Chi  
Relena Peacecraft  
Suzaka  
Misty  
Kiyone  
  
Mihoshi: And the winner is Mia Koji!  
  
Mia: Hi! Look, I survived! I bet you thought I died earlier, but I'm alive! Thank you! And everyone knows that I'm the real star of Ronin Warriors! They couldn't have done it without me! And Ryo! Mwah! I love you . . . guys!  
  
She exits.  
  
Crystal: How did she survive?  
  
Amy: Too late for that.  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Duo: Next to present is. . .  
  
Sage: A guy who's face is easy to remember. . .  
  
Duo: That mecha fighting, suicide kid. . .  
  
Sage: That wasn't necessary. . . ahem. . . it's Heero Yuy!  
  
Backstage, to the left. . .  
  
Amy: Damn it!  
  
Crystal: Psst. . . you numbskulls! Heero is second! Trowa's first! Check the script!  
  
Duo: Huh? Oh, I see. . .  
  
Sage: Er. . . give it up for Trowa!  
  
Trowa: Thanks. Tonight, the Anime Awards is proud to honor the Best Actor. The nominees are  
Heero Yuy  
Ryo Sanada  
Tenchi Masaki  
Ash Ketchum  
Darien  
  
Trowa: And the winner is Ryo Sanada!  
  
Ryo: Hi! Just to let you know, we could have done it without Mia! And this award isn't really all mine, it's all the guys - Sage, Rowen, Kento, Sai - I couldn't have done it without you guys!  
  
Sage: You said it!  
  
Heero: Bye Ryo!  
  
Ryo: Cya!  
  
Heero: Um, where's the script. . . . and the envelope. . . and the list???  
  
Crystal: Um . . .  
  
Amy: Found it!  
  
Crystal: Where?  
  
Amy: Under the clutter that is our desk!  
  
She runs and gives them to Heero.  
  
Heero: Oh lookie, the Director is coming to help!  
  
Amy: Huh?  
  
Heero: Just stay and present!  
  
Amy: Nope.  
  
Heero: But I don't want to present another award!  
  
Amy: No, you don't want to do a favor for Zechs. That's right, he was going to present, but since you're the reason he's absent, you get to do this for him! Now smile and present.  
  
Heero: Fine.  
  
Amy: Better. Bye!  
  
Heero: Well, in honor of all those who have died in the line of duty, we have chosen to create a special award in their honor. The winner will be entered into the Anime Hall of Fame. The nominees for the Lifetime Achievement Award are  
Anubis  
Sailor Pluto  
Trieze Khushrenada  
Hilda  
  
Heero: And the winner is Anubis. Good job.  
  
Anubis: Wait! I'm not dead!  
  
Heero: Huh?  
  
Anubis: No, I can't be! Everyone keeps bringing me back to life, see?  
  
Heero: Crystal?  
  
Crystal: Well, if your alive, then your ineligible to win the award.  
  
Anubis: What? No. . . wait. . . look, I'm just a ghost! So close! But I can still win, if I'm just a ghost, right?  
  
Crystal: Umm. .  
  
Amy: Technically, if he's a ghost, then he's dead.  
  
Crystal: But. . . ok. . . if you say so.  
  
Kayura: ANUBIS!!!!!!  
  
Anubis: Uh-no. . . .  
  
Kayura: I'M SO SORRY!!!!!  
  
Kayura stands up and runs from the back of the theater.  
  
Anubis: Gotta go!  
  
Kayura: ANUBIS!!! WAIT, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR KILLING YOU!!!! COME BACK!!!  
  
Anubis runs (more like floats) out of the theater, with Kayura at his heels.  
  
Heero: Ok. . . . be back soon??  
  
Crystal: Yeah, what he said. . . .  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Sage: Over the past few hours, seems like days, we have honored the best of our kind.  
  
Duo: But what about those of us who couldn't be here tonight?  
  
Crystal: We will now take a moment to look on those who have past away.  
  
Amy: If you could remain silent as we say the names of the deceased, in no particular order  
Yulie's Mom  
Yulie's Dad  
Dr. Koji  
Saberstryke  
The Ancient One  
Black Blaze  
Anubis  
Sailor Pluto  
Queen Serenity  
Trieze Khushrenada  
Master O  
Instructor H  
Doctor J  
Professor G  
Doktor S  
Goku  
17  
16  
Kami  
Hilda  
Harry McDougall  
and every last super villain to which no anime show could last without  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
In the audience. . .  
  
Amy: I'm bored. . . I feel like picking on someone. . .  
  
Crystal: I can't believe they told us we had to sit out here! And not allowed on stage! Who's the director here???  
  
Amy: I dunno. . . . They're mean!  
  
Amy looks like she's going to cry.  
  
Ryo: Hey you two, will you quiet down! Sage and Duo are coming on!  
  
Amy: Hmph!  
  
Amy folds her arms across her chest and Crystal mutters something about hotheaded jerks under her breath.  
  
Sage: Tonight we have another special award to honor a select group of people.  
  
Duo: But this is no ordinary award! It honors the most essential people in the world of anime production!  
  
Sage: And here are the presenters, Rowen Hashiba and Quatre Raberba Winner!  
  
Quatre: Thank you, Sage. The award goes to a group in which their achievements are often overlooked.  
  
Rowen: But these people's hard work and skill pay off in creating a wonderful anime production. These talents need to be recognized because, without them, there is no show.  
  
Quatre: So, without further ado, the nominees for Best Director are  
Directors of Tenchi Universe  
Directors of Gundam Wing  
Directors of Ronin Warriors  
Directors of Sailor Moon  
Directors of Dragonball Z  
Directors of the Anime Awards  
  
Amy: What???  
  
Crystal: We were nominated! I don't believe it! So that's why they kicked us out here!  
  
Duo: And the winners are Amy and Crystal!  
  
Amy: We won?  
  
Crystal: Come on!  
  
Crystal drags Amy up on stage.  
  
Amy: The applause . . . . the award. . . . the hugs, hehe. . . . all are ours!  
  
Crystal: I swear. . . . anyway, this is truly amazing! Our first year and already something to show for it! Such a surprise! Thanks!  
  
Amy: We'd like to thank Duo and Sage, our beloved hosts, that keep the show entertaining and all our other co-workers, meaning all those who helped us present, do adventures, etc., and of course those of you who let us destroy and rebuild the studio five or six times.  
  
Crystal: And last, but not least, all of you! For without people who watch, live, and breath these shows, we couldn't have brought this program to you! So, all you watching, keep watching anime! Thanks again!  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Sage: Well, ladies and gentleman, I'm afraid this is our last time together.  
  
Duo: But we have one last special award in store for you!  
  
Sage: Not only is it special but it's the most important. . .  
  
Duo: Because you can smear it in everybody's face at coffee breaks!  
  
Sage: Of course! You guessed it! The award for Best Anime Show.  
  
Duo: And here to present, Amy and Crystal!  
  
Crystal: Thank you guys! You know, for the past couple of hours, we've been through a lot.  
  
Amy: That's right. Just think of the memories. Wufei got to experience life as a dog. . .  
  
Crystal: Mihoshi drove us crazy. . .  
  
Amy: Zechs did too. . . .  
  
Crystal: Relena has a ten year ticket at Moon Mental Hospital. . .  
  
Amy: Quatre went batty. . . .  
  
Crystal: We tormented Sage and Duo and Rowen with their girly getups. . . .  
  
Amy: Crystal fought with Ryoko. . .  
  
Crystal: We max a couple of credit cards. . . .  
  
Amy: You altered some of the ballets. . .  
  
Crystal: I did not!  
  
Amy: Whatever you say. . . doesn't effect tonight's award. . . .  
  
Crystal: Speaking of the award, the winner of this award won the most awards overall and the top five are tonight's nominees.  
  
Amy: And when we call your show, would all the main characters please proceed in an orderly fashion to the stage.  
  
Crystal: And the nominees are  
Gundam Wing  
Ronin Warriors  
Tenchi Muyo/Universe/in Tokyo  
Sailor Moon  
Dragonball Z  
  
Crystal: We'll wait for everyone to get up here. . .  
  
Amy: And the winner is. . . .  
  
Amy and Crystal: RONIN WARRIORS!!!! Step forward, guys!  
  
Sage: Your joking, right?  
  
Yulie: Mia, Mia!!! Look we won, can you believe it??  
  
Mia: Yulie, listen. . . it's not that simple. . . . oh, never mind.  
  
Vegeta: None of these other shows deserve to win! No one can possibly be as superior as me!  
  
Kento: Yeah, well, that's not what it looks like, does it?  
  
Vegeta: What did you say, boy?  
  
Vegeta becomes a Super Sayin.  
  
Kento: You heard me! Guys, let's get our armors and beat the crude out of him!  
  
Kento, Sage, Sai, Rowen, Ryo, Cale, Kayura, Dais, and Sekhmet all transform into their armor.  
  
Duo: Guys, let's help our buddies!  
  
Heero: Hmm. . . fine, only because those Sayins are starting to annoy me.  
  
The five Gundams appear and are now piloted by Heero, Quatre, Wufei, Trowa, and Duo.  
  
Quatre: But we shouldn't be fighting at all!  
  
Ryoko: Ha! Look at the baby running away from the battle! Whatcha gonna do, cry and run to your mommy?  
  
Quatre: Don't you talk about my mommy!  
  
Ryoko: Ayeka, Sasami, let's kick his butt!  
  
Ayeka: I must admit, it's time for some girl power . . . . Jurai Power!!!  
  
Sasami: Yeah. . . . I'm that magical girl. . . . PRETTY SAMMY!!!!  
  
Serena: Pretty Sammy?? What kind of a name is that? What? Your hair, your clothes??? Rip off!! You stole my outfit!  
  
Ayeka: Don't you dare touch my sister, you . . . you moon faced fiend!  
  
Serena: Let's power up!  
  
Serena, Raye, Amy, Lita, and Mina all power up.  
  
Raye: Mars Fire Ignite!  
  
Sage: Watch the hair!  
  
Ryo: So, you want to play with fire??  
  
Amy: Guys, stop fighting. . . This is a Y7 show, remember???  
  
Crystal: Don't ruin it in the last five minutes. . . .  
  
Rowen: Wait a minute. . . you're the directors. . . shouldn't we blame you for this mess?  
  
Amy: Umm. . .  
  
Vegeta: Smurf boy here is making sense. . .  
  
Crystal: Well. . . . great. . . .we're in trouble. . .  
  
Amy: How'd we manage to get into this mess anyway???  
  
Gene: That's not important!  
  
All: Huh?  
  
Everyone turns to face the audience.  
  
Crystal: Who said that?  
  
Gene: I did.  
  
He stands up.  
  
Amy: What the?  
  
Gene: I think you're all wrong. Outlaw Star should be the best anime - we shouldn't get penalized for entering the running late!  
  
Vegeta: You stupid Outlaws! Always trying to steal the spotlight. . You don't even deserve to be up here!  
  
Gene: That's where your wrong, pencil head, and since you won't cooperate . .  
  
Suzuka: Gene, I think you're getting carried away by this. . .  
  
Aisha: Yeah, a C'tarl C'tarl handle this!  
  
Gene: Jim, give me a number nine and my caster rifle.  
  
Jim: Gene. . .  
  
Gene: Just do it!  
  
Jim: Ok, whatever you say. . .  
  
Jim hands Gene a yellow caster rifle and a bullet with a red nine on it.  
  
Goku: What's a castor rifle?  
  
Duo: What's a number nine?  
  
Mihoshi: I know! Geez, you don't know what a number nine is? You know. . . "I'm so happy, I'm floating on cloud nine. ."  
  
Gene: Geez, enough. You remind me too much of Aisha.  
  
Aisha: Hey!  
  
Gene: Ok, ok. Now, any last words before I blow you into space dust?? Amy: Look out behind you!  
  
Melfina: Gene, don't do it!  
  
Gene: I'm not falling for that, Amy. And don't worry so much, Mel. Once they're out of the way, we'll really make it big!  
  
Melfina: But. . .  
  
Gene: Don't worry. I've got this situation under control.  
  
Jim: That's exactly what I was afraid of. . .  
  
Gene: Hey! Hmm. . . I'll ask you one last time, any last words?  
  
Crystal: I'm telling you, look out behind you!  
  
Gene: You too, Crystal? Geez, what do you think I am, gullible? Next your gonna tell me I'm stepping on that Pika-something or other's tail and he's gonna zap me! Ha!  
  
Jim: Uh, Gene?  
  
Gene: Quiet Jim! I've rehearsed this as a monologue. . . . well, is that all?  
  
Everyone nods.  
  
Gene: Oh well. You wasted your last words on some stupid trick that didn't work, so now you can just all perish. And I'll warn you, this number nine baby is our last one, but it'll be put to good use 'cuz it's more powerful than all of you combined!!! Ha!!  
  
Mihoshi: Really? Wow! That must be really powerful cuz with Jurai and Sayin and Gundam and Sailor Scouts and Ronin power that must really be super!  
  
All: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Gene: Well, it's time to SAY YOUR –  
  
Pikachu: PI-KA-CHU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Gene: AHHHH!!!!  
  
He's burnt to a crisp and his gun explodes.  
  
Gene: Damn it! Ash: Pikachu, good job, but was that really necessary?  
  
Pikachu: Pika pika pi pikachu  
  
All: Huh???  
  
Ash: Pikachu said that Gene was stepping on his tail . . .  
  
Everyone blinks before collapsing in fits of laughter.  
  
Crystal: We tried to warn you . . .  
  
Amy: And you wouldn't listen.  
  
Gene makes a face before sitting down quietly.  
  
Crystal: Wasn't that fun?  
  
Amy: Yeah . . . and Crystal?  
  
Crystal: Yeah?  
  
Amy: I guess we're finished here . . .  
  
Crystal: Yeah . . . did you all have a good time?  
  
Audience cheers loudly.  
  
Amy: Well, I sorry to say, but that's all she wrote!  
  
Crystal: Literally. See you next year! 


End file.
